When you let them roam your skin 

Like the fields they saw in their dreams

But they recoil in shudder

When you ask for rain or sun 

Let them leave quick 

You can’t live without 

"Oh shit - you're actively breaking it off"

Yes, dear. Not like a storm that calms while I'm sleeping

Or like the sleep that caught me while weeping 

I'm saying goodbye. I'm closing the door. 

Good night, good night - a thousand times good night

36 months and my heart left ajar

And just a step away -  no matter how far. 

But I come prepared, I come determined - 

I close the door and I close the curtains. 

I'm done I'm done I'm done! 

With you! With Us! With what could have would have should have been

See - I've said it three times and now the curse shall be lifted

The blessing you gave, the moments you gifted

The love that I felt, the pain that has shifted

All that I am, all that I hoped

I am not left ajar - I have closed the door. 

S

Was soll’s - es hätt sollen nicht sein

Ein kleiner Lichtblick, im Vertrauen 

Viel gelacht, viel gedacht. 

Vorsichtig war ich - aber damit wohl allein. 

Mal angenommen nicht anzunehmen 

Kleine Keime ersticken gern 

Dem Spross eine Leiter stellen

Um den Süchten nachzusehnen 

Mögen ist doch so schön

Doch was schön ist soll mal halten

Tillandsien Böden kaum gekannt

Immer im Winde wehen - 

Es waren andere Regeln die galten. 

Alles was ist - ist echt

Und sein darf alles was kann

Und können geht alles was muss

Bis es im Trock'nen bricht. 

Und was ist mit dem Blatt

Dass du versprochen hast

Das eine und grosse, 

Mit der Wurzel, der Losen. 

Ein Blatt im Wind,  berauschend, entzückt! 

Wie amerikanische Schönheit

Und leicht, so schnell, davon geflogen - 

Samt unser'm kleinen Glück. 

Für Ö.

Ay pez mas hermoso - locochon, negrito

Cartitas escritas, manos sudadas, besos robados

Te vi en todo el mundo pero mas a mi lado

No sabes los celos, no sabes la angustia

Mi gremlin de ayer, 

te robe el beso entre malteada y la torre Eiffel.

Me buscaste en Zurich

Te perdi en Londres

Nos ibamos encontrar en la Havana

Mi pez mi pez mi pez.

Pero fue entre montañas y trigo

"No importe con quien me case - 

siempre le voy a poner los cuernos contigo"

Y ahora que? Te espero tantos años para que te quedes con ella

Es bonita, por cierto. 

Pero bonita soy yo también. 

Y graciosa

Y libre

Y loca

Mi pez preferido

Escojiste aguas que no pude ofrecer

En vez de un mar

Que nos da a los dos a crecer

aprender. 

Y ahora te dejo, si ya me dejaste hace mucho

Ni pensar en mi, 

Caricias lejanas, 

Riendas sueltas, 

Bailaré. bailaré! con mas ganas.

Ya me solté de ti, te quiero tanto 

Pero de lejos

Como un recuerdo, como un sueño

Memoria de mi corazón, mi pez pequeño. 

Para MC

this is not a longing

of the painful and delicious kind

when love and pain combine

"why are you not mine"

a longing can be turned

to a word, a song, a breath

heard by trees and winds and seas

but this here feels like death

I have a heavy rock

placed instead of heart and gut

pulls my chin, breaks my breath

I'm aching for a cut

My thoughts and dreams were turned

within your twisted truth

you promised me a home to rest

then took it all, no ruth

I was a solid dreamer

no pain could break my hope

though rock you've placed into my heart

has snapped all safety ropes

I never thought I'll walk this path

in fear and pain and horror

all things I took as good and true

I've laid them down in sorrow

How can I ever love again

when all the wells have died

and all the sparks I kept in care

were lost in darkest night

they say I dodged the bullet

no tear be shed for ridding well

spoiled milk that spilled ruthlessly

and brought a taste of hell

the man I loved is poisonous

a toxic blend of charm and ill

a mute to truth and numb to touch

my spine is filled with chills

but love I did and trust I lost

this man, he broke my heart

he took the hope and snapped my mind

how am I to restart? 

I pray to all the gods

please grind this rock to sand

I'll do all salty waters

I'll travel all the lands

I need this rock to crumble

and sediment to dust

and exit all my spirits soon

so I can return to trust

and hope will follow trust

and love will follow hope

and slowly they will spin a thread

that makes my safety rope

and once I'm safe and settled

in gut and heart and mind

my flight and fight will flow

and leave the rock behind. 

- cut me lose - 

Was er sagt soll dich nicht bewegen

Es kann dich berühren oder dich inspirieren

Aber es soll deine Wurzeln nicht zum zittern bringen. 

Was er fühlt soll dich nicht beirren

Es kann dich berühren oder dir schmeicheln

Aber es soll deinen Stamm nicht in seine Richtung biegen. 

Was er denkt soll dich nicht bezwingen

Es kann dich berühren oder anregen

Aber es soll deine Krone nicht zum brechen bringen.

Wenn du dich gen Sonne streckst und wächst

Berührt sie dich, fliesst durch deine Adern in jede Pore

Dann siehst du selbst, dass du Teil der Sonne bist.  

— die Macht der Selbstliebe — 

I saw the storm long coming

And thought I will enjoy

The tingling on the windows

The calling of the void

calmly I embraced

A blast so hard it shook

my walls and roof to their foundation

And there the calm was took

Did I, in stupid faith

Believe my house could stand

A storm so strong, so whimsical

It turns all stone to sand?

But I believe in time

And that this storm will pass

And after rain, will come the sun, 

 - my time to pray and `fess. 

Confess that storms don’t frighten

This silly, stupid heart 

My house has stood them hurricanes

Some floods and their departs. 

Call them burglars, looters, tricksters - 

My god I’ve seen them all

And still my house stands strong as ever

my trees stand proud and tall. 

I saw your storm long coming

your thunder and your light

And though you caused some havoc here

I said I wouldn’t fight

I wouldn’t shut the door

And windows weren’t covered

In fact I took my seeing glass

the storm, he is my lover. 

I saw him tremble, flood and light

The distant and the close

he was confused as where to rest

forgot it's me he chose. 

My heart, my house - all open

come in my beloved storm

I know you will live inside me

since that's where you were born. 

As if the lovers weren’t enough
The lost 
The past 
The long forgotten

I refuse

that weight ain't mine. 

You came and dumped on me

dumped me

and maybe for a while

I took your shit

but that shit ain't mine. 

I've been used

but should have charged.

You had no style or thought

fuck me

but needed therapy

I took your shit

but that shit ain't mine. 

They leave me wondering

what little sacrifices

are worth the wait

will be the bait

for my love

I refuse

Stay there with your issues

your shit ain't mine

that weight ain't mine

I throw of the ballast

and break the shackles. 

of course I want to show you my poetry

but you haven't asked. 

I have caught you staring at me

trembling in desire or heart twitches

and yet you haven't asked

and it's through these twisted words you'll see me

like through the looking glass

but it seems you don't want to learn and study

the composition of these bones

allow me to expand:

(and this time it won't be a muscle

but 206 unbroken units make a 100 per cent)

watch out for callous knees, loricate through endeavours

nervous fingers, firm hands

and a tongue too quick for its own good. 

The weight I carry ain't mine

but has been dumped on me 

and I try to shed those old skins

for the peace of mind. 

That poetry you read

that's just a thought

I've been slow at times and harsh in others

and honest is mostly the seat I drive

but here you stand

mute in answers

and one cruel chill follows the other

a person deaf for words

will never read a poem

the way a poem should be read

and a heart without room

cannot let me live in it

so this poem ain't for you

that poem ain't fo' nobody.  

Now, the first thing to remember - love doesn't get lost. 

Love, unlike most things we are taught in school does not wither, crumble or break.  

Love is on a constant path of growth, sometimes exponentially and this will make you sometimes feel as if your heart would like to explode. 

It will not explode. It is expanding profoundly, moving every set of belief you ever had. It will move walls and ceilings and sometimes tear them open and down. 

Do not be afraid when that happens, walls need to be torn down, especially the ones in hearts. 

Translated this means that the moment you allow love to live inside you, you will have no choice but to grow. 

Love is the one thing that moves through space and time in erratic patterns.  

It is now sadly so that our human condition fools us into tying love to a certain space and time. It may be a person, or a memory, and in the worst of cases a set of belief. 

Love is so powerful, it stirs up all sorts of unsettling chemicals in our brain. It is so powerful, it overpowers us on a regular basis. 

And then, the fools we are, we blame love for actions we later regret. It may then be the right moment to take responsibility and grow in correlation with the love that resides inside. 

In the moment we have tied our love to a certain object bound to space and time we most likely forgot that we are only bound to two things: the possibility of growing love and the fact that we live in a river called out of your control.

Out of your control is everywhere. It will flush your insides out and will make you lose friends and objects, it will bring new things to you, it will sometimes let you stay afloat and sometimes make you feel as if you can't go on anymore. One thing the river will not be able to maintain are ties. Ties you made from your heart, where the love you grow resides, to other people or objects, or in the worst of cases a set of belief. 

The river, being the good river it is, is well aware of the transience of all that is not love or itself. It is bound to that knowledge. 

Sometimes we grow a tie so strong to a person, or a object, or in worst cases a set of belief, that we feel as if we are almost one. Maybe the lines in between those two people, or objects, or in worst of cases set of believes, become so blurry even others fail to distinguish. But they don't fool the river. 

The river doesn't do things on purpose, it is a flow, so don't blame it for things that happen to your dislike. 

And now, it happens ever so often or rarely that a bond so strong you would have thought lasted forever, snaps. It snaps and throws you into a whirl, it turns you, it loops you, it will make you go dizzy, fuzzy and scared. 

And because the flow doesn't go easy on people, you will be fighting for air, you will be shouting on top of your lungs, "why me" and this will leave with you with less oxygen, you will swallow tons of river because all you ever thought was real when you tied your love to someone else, or an object, or in worst of cases a set of belief, is gone, or at least not tied to you anymore. 

It is then when you feel incomplete, amputated, lost and scared. 

And will you believe me, most of us, have had to go through this once or several times. 

But you are not incomplete, amputated, or lost. 

You are still where you are, in a vast flow that will carry you to all sorts of wonderful things. 

The snapped tie did not mutilate you or amputate your love. 

It doesn't matter how long or short the tie, it is always kept highly strung. And now that it has snapped you may feel injured, but think of it like a rubber band that snapped when strung too extreme. 

A quick, sharp pain - it's gone. The rubber band is no more. 

Now with snapped ties it is very similar, only that we might think and sometimes feel as if the part our tie was attached to was ours. 

But nothing is ours but the love we carry and the uniqueness of the way we flow. 

Now remember the first thing, love doesn't get lost. 

But if you are right now in a moment in time and space, where your tie snapped so hard and you feel incomplete, amputated, lost and scared, remind yourself that the greatest thing is already there. 

Maybe your love that tied to a person, an object or in the worst of cases, a set of belief felt like something out of yourself, since you might have felt that your heart was about to explode. 

But it was growing inside you, and while doing that it replicated, multiplied and radiated into everything and everyone around you while being just as beautiful and magnificent inside you. 

Remember, you heart did not explode. 

You are still breathing, which means you are still among us in this wonderful river, and you came to here, to mend the pain that might make you feel like you're drowning. 

Now, remember no love gets lost. 

But once a tie snaps you need to be tidy. You can't leave those loose ends dangle around, where new and even bigger loves need to grow. They might get tangled up in snapped ties, stunt their growth, crook their path. 

Remember, this love might have torn some walls down, it might have lifted the ceiling and allowed you views you didn't know existed before. This is yours. The view, the torn walls, the ceilings higher than you ever imagined. They will not be taken away from you, they are yours. 

So now what you do, in order to allow all the small and bigger loves to grow, is to tidy up those snapped ties. Take the snapped ties and search a box for them. We will not throw away this love, because love doesn't get lost, it just changes its name, its tag, its label or its face. 

But as long as the sight of a snapped tie hurts you, you need to get this box and carefully fold this tie so it fits perfectly into the box. You will then notice that it is not the love that hurts, it was the tie. 

The love was always there, growing steady, explosively, beautifully and what snapped was the tie. 

Now, do not label the box with anything bitter or sad. Do not pack yourself into that box. Don't live around that box. Just put it somewhere, not too secret, but certainly not exposed. 

See? See how the love feels it can breathe again? That tie was bound to a person, or an object, or in the worst of cases a set of belief, but once it snapped and you boxed the tie, love appears in its original beautiful entity. 

Now, this advice is for the ones that feel their tie so harshly snapped it took their breath away. It is for the wounded lovers, the broken hearted, the childless mothers, the motherless children. It is for the waking dreamers, the sleepy walkers, the whispering sounds of stagnation. 

Your love was never and will never be lost. Your love is right there where it belongs, in the pulsing, vibrant centre of yourself, growing each second, each moment through time and space. All the love you have accumulated is there to hold up ever growing ceilings, ever crumbling walls, ever expanding horizons. 

And maybe you have a room full of boxes filled with dozens, maybe hundreds of ties. But they are just proof of your mesmerizing ability to grow this love. 

And when you feel a tie being strung, or about to snap, or you are sitting here with your hands holding your face because the snap was just too harsh, remember. 

You cannot lose what grows and radiates so wonderfully inside you. 

she cut her hair

and went through the rooms

with a lit candle

saying over and over again

this is a house of love

he mend the broken heart

by showing his true face

letting go was never easier. 

short hair looks good on her

loving rooms are peace 

there's no need for broken heart no more

human's magic, only lies in fraction by their wit

in grim and grey their sorrows are painted

and low the self esteem is told to fake it

until they make it and boom their light is lit

but inner giants sleep deep nightmarish slumbers

afraid to look and test their limbs on trees and hills

challenge the sun for blisters or glaciers for cold chills

it's their fear of failure that encumbers

but I dare to doubt a giant's fear of waking

it's their mortal human skin, that puts them into sleep

and lingers like a stalker, is awkward like a creep

waiting for the giant's dormant aching to be enough heartbreaking

for their human skin to crumble and uncage this sleeper there

wakes them, shakes them, wants to see the giant stand

and the human is so desperate, it ain't going as they planned

but the giant's illiterate, untrained, unskilled in fight and care

and it is then when human's magic will come into the play

to teach the giant how to stand within a human skin

so sorrows won't be painted in colours of grey and grim

using wise the lessons learnt of life, love and decay

work in progress

So apparently t’is possible and not just a myth

That a man says he loves you when going for a kiss

And his limbs are entangled like a sailor’s knot with yours

T’is later when he rambles “My heart's shifted with a force”

Then your heart feels gripped by sad and dump and shock

Weren’t those his lips that said “I will be your rock”

A rock that rolled that’s what you are and caused a fucking avalanche

That buried me including heart  now I wish upon you sweet revenge

And I will do what all girls do when their heart's been played by fools

Get a doll and use voodoo to cast a spell over the moon

A spell that casts so far it shines covered in stardust through the night

A shooting star is what you'll see that makes you wish you're back with me 

And makes you kick your sorry ass for letting doubt creep into you

and that is when I realised you do deserve your solitude

For what it's worth you showed your face no pretty colours to be found 

I've dug so deep into myself, completely root out this little love

and what I've found must be the path, intended when I first met you

to follow steps within myself, ignite, enforce, enlighten truth. 

half a grenade it was

pink in colour and small in shape

I've been walking through thick honey all day

and thought that laughter was never farther

from my lips

and freedom was taken from my lungs

clenched by memory

you're a stone

you take the crown from all assholes that ever crossed my path

my path that loves life, loves laughter

and I have met many assholes

that thought being nice equals kindness

go to a dance with old friends

that hold you tight and tell you you're safe

when suddenly the dance is easier

and the music runs through your veins

they say all is good, all is good

but you look around and all you can see 

is a crowd of sad people, that need this dance

to feel alive

and all you want is be home, held close

you don't want to need this

it's the loudest, most freeing laughter that escapes

followed by the clearest, most honest tears

our skins touch in this vast ocean 

all connected yet all alone

in which kindness is the only key 

to survive and heal from this experience

but you can't give any kindness

and this little grenade, all it does

is take away the pain for a few hours

allow to live the vastness of my heart

I don't know if I can forgive you

but I need to forget you

so please lobotomise me

take away this memory that made me feel so loved

wash away every molecule that carries your scent

remove every sweetness that came from your tongue

there's no honour in you

no clarity, no courage

there's no path in you

no creativity, no love

for you is the one that denied all the beauty

of learning together, of loving each other

rejecting a heart that was accepting of your flaws

feeling privileged to witness 

your growth, your decay

Be careful what you wish for

and I hope your wish will be granted

and the song of solitude is the only one you'll know

from now until forever

for people to see far quicker than me

your true self

And I hope you writhe in your shame

when clarity comes back to you

when the place next to you is empty and cold

and you realise

it is not the bed

it is you. 

I am the kind of person, that'll greet the mornings in laughter

and will kneel first thing, to praise the limbs, the brain, the loved ones

that have blessed this little soul

I am the kind of person, that even in the darkest hour, will try to find a joke

and make them giggle, even when I my heart's tainted somberly 

as joy and sadness are one eternal play

I am the kind of person, whose heart is so wide open, in genuine

that people will follow lead, one by one, and reveal themselves

they feel safe with me, they feel understood

I am the kind of person, who will understand you so well

that you'll feel threatened by it, exposed by it, scared I will abuse the trust

forgetting that I had opened up just as wide, just as scared

I am the kind of person, that apologises when wrong's been done to you

that knows perfection is bound to the human condition

that mistakes, miswords, mishaps will happen any time

I am the kind of person, that will say I love you, as often as I can 

because you are so beautiful and I can see your heart and your light

and I want to cherish and celebrate those, for they illuminate me, too

I am the kind of person, that will say thank you, even when it hurts

because the lessons you teach, as painful as they are, 

will harden my skin, but soften my heart

I am the kind of person, that will always step out stronger

for I have no regrets, with open heart and and open mind

with thank yous, and I love yous, and I'm sorrys

I am the kind of person, whose heart is washed clean from doubt

of who I am, how my heart looks, how my mind works

I have done mistakes, but I have not done anything wrong

because my heart has been broken over and over again

by the kind of people like you, who mistake being nice with kindness

whose lives are dominated by fear

I am the kind of person, that will continue to touch and feel

that will stretch the hand, open the heart any time as soon as I heal

there is no place for the kind of people like you

I am the kind of person, that will no longer surround herself

by people who are scared, by people who reject light

here it is, where I draw a line in the sand

I am the kind of person, you will never meet again

I am the kind of person, that will never again shiver at the coldness you radiate

I am the kind of person, you will miss, when the shame has eaten you alive. 

your equation doesn't add up

subtracting emotions and love from your life

will not only give you what you wish for

it will retrocede you into a fragile, unprenetable bubble of you

and that bubble will consist 

of rejection to grow

rejection to be vulnerable 

rejection to truly experience the beauty of sharing oneself

with the world

with the one you love

your equation doesn't add up

you forgot to add that I breathe and think

you forgot to remember all the special signs 

that made us unique in the way we functioned

your equation doesn't add up

no logic will portray 

the shatters of the hearts you left behind

in your selfconsumed 

self loathing ways

your equation is not bound to any logic

by which we humans must abide

that is to learn

to love

to laugh

and to forgive 

you are so small and yet you took it all with you

all the love I had accumulated like a hamster in my heart

all the openness I was willing to decorate our home with

your equation truly sucks

it broke down all the barriers

and left a city in ruins

while I walk through the gravel 

and think

what the fuck were you thinking?

as it seems that in all that logic

and rationality 

and equations you seek

you didn't think at all. 

Sweet words only slip your lips

when your limbs are locked with mine
Like a python choking its prey 

breath after heavy breath you say

we are all there, we are all near

all what lonely ears wish to hear
But when your limbs are close to you

and out of air you seem all blue

as if the choking was done to you

all sweetness is forgotten

and your back rises high
like an unclimbable mountain lying by my side

that throws its shadow far into me

and darkens every thought

and I feel like a bird -clipped wings -  that just has been caught

breathe love, climb with care, 

while I go swim in my sea

the fresher air will clear your lungs and your view to me

there will be no python no more, 

and no promises made when you're entangled with me

and no snake will be choking and making bodies sore

for what I wish are wings that make climbing nil

that lift us up and make us free

And free I wish to be with you

my lover, friend, best fitting shoe

that takes me on a laughing quest

of jokes and depth and peaceful rest

of tender care and loving home

of travelling bird's and nomad's roam

and tickly, giggly, fuzzy joy

though you're a man, I love you boy. 

I lie in still and stiff and send a wishful thought

that this mountain you have risen

ain't nothing but a rogue

and soon it'll crumble into crumbs of sweetest cake

that tastes so good, it heals all wounds and turns the heart to shake

and leaves the space, between two bites, for sweeter words, as well

that enter free and willingly into each of my heart's cells.  

You have dried me up in agony

slow deaths of dull and duty 

twenty seven years and I got none to show

gases and faeces are all that give a glow

silent are the voices and mocked are what they say

afraid to look where eyes can't see has brought us off the way

and yet you laugh but shush - shush that mouth just now

listen to the song of trees and make your humble bow

so what is that you call a life - 

when blood and sweat shall shed a light

my bank account has robbed me of anything polite

the oxygen shall be mine first before I pass it on

I can't afford a second breath and then my anger foams

I got no time no time to breathe before the balance comes

in overdraft, the debt is due -  we'll be counting crumbs

I have numbed the demons

I have drowned, strangled, shot them dead

I have cycled, salad, taxed them away

I have CV'ed, serioused, salaried them out

It's hard to encounter demons

when you never leave the house

when the book is never finished

and the poem never said

It's hard to encounter demons 

Netflix owns my time and brains

Laundry has to be done

hair removal oughta be done

I drink the bottle and think 

that maybe this glass will bring the depth back

but no depth is found at the bottom of bottles

only regrets and headaches and a truth I'd rather not say

the case has closed and so have I

to reason with this stupid life

the breaks are numb and past has shown

that I am no one worth to know

your skin is like a morning glow

that thaws the secret love I grow

and yet to touch is seems too far

my neighbour, closest friend you are

a play and laugh a childish hug

my jealous stupid brain's a thug

and undeclared I will remain

unrequited once again

my friend you broke the holy grail

I kissed, and failed and yet you bail

my words could not be clearer now

no matter what- friendship's the vow!

and stupid is this poem here

for words I say you will not hear

and pass elusive on to me

silence is your favourite deed. 

My back's been stabbed by honesty

that I have brought just on to me

I want to shout your coward name

but then I'll shout to me the same. 

Meine Heldin

Niemanden den ich mehr bewundere als dich. Niemand. 

Und niemand dem ich mir ebenbürtiger fühle als dir. 

Kein Spiegelbild sondern bessere Reflexion. 

Bist du es die mich anregt. 

Denken. 

Klar denken. 

Klar fühlen

wenn alles andere konfus ist und mir schmerzt. 

Du reichst mir Wasser das mir Klarheit gibt. 

Reicht mir die Erde die mir Halt bietet. 

Und reich ist deine Liebe. 

Meine Schwester. Nur ich darf dich so nennen. 

Kein anderer Mensch darf dieses Privileg mit mir teilen. 

Bist du meine Schwester. 

Und ich liebe dich sehr. 

After reading a reflective article on the lessons learned during her stay in a foreign country, I felt a little pinch. Have I ever counted my blessings? Have I looked back and gave credit, where credit was due? Can I look back and say I have learned x, y and z? I will give it a try, to put some thoughts into order and feel like I have done something with these days which have continually felt less and less productive. 

My past four years have mainly been spent in England, a country where I would have never imagined myself living. I learned to speak a further language up to native level, but still feel haunted when I make mistakes or fail to identify a certain expression. 

I never saw myself as a procrastinator per se, surely I struggled to focus for hours and hours on, but pushing work away was none of my main characteristics I'd say. 

Here we go. 

I learned of mental health, because mine went through a hiccup that felt like it lasted an eternity.

That might be my most valuable lesson, relying all my life on the brightness my mind shed onto my path darkened surely for a period as long as 4 years. My blessing is learning to let go. 

My blessing is to have a beautiful, wonderful sister like I do, who supports me through everything and is the best friend and mentor I could have ever asked for.

Is my mother who, in her little quirkiness, never fails to make me feel embarrassed in a good way of belonging to such a banana family.

My father, who healed from his own ailments and came back to me, which made me the happiest daughter I have ever felt.

My family enabled me to follow my studies in a foreign country, and maybe I seemed ungrateful at times as I was struggling with it along the way - but the truth is - you have me the power to gain knowledge  I would have never gained otherwise. 

My blessing is to learn and see something new each day, since I have started to heal. 

I have been working with young, very vulnerable people, have been put into leadership positions, been crafting every week, started painting again, making music, I took a house that I felt I deserved, I was taken into a beautiful friendship I thought would be unbreakable. I have admitted my own breakability. I have taken myself serious and took it back again. I got a wondeful part-time job which helps me recreate a part of mine I thought was dead. I have been lucky to work for an organisation that actually does really good things. I am proud of my work. I am proud of what I am learning every day. Learning more every day has humbled me. Having a friend whose name is humble, has humbled me. Going to Iceland and showing me the beauties of the cold has humbled me. I love humbleness. I fall onto my knees and hope humble covers me in her sheets and paves the paths I walk. 

I am lucky to live. I am so damn damn damn lucky. 

I have never felt sad when a celebrity has passed, but today I've been fighting off the tears. Robin Williams was an amazing actor and comedian -taking roles and playing in movies which have been companions and life-changers for me and I am sure many more people. It hurts my heart to see that even the brightest, funniest, most charismatic man is overwhelmed by such darkness and sadness that he sees no way out.

It also marks the anniversary of a similar death in my family, and the grief is almost unbearable. When a beloved one makes such a decision we cannot comprehend in what state of mind they were, we don't understand the amount of pain and hopelessness they were experiencing.

They say you need to fail in order to success, and though I have caught myself saying this to friends and loved ones who were going through a phase of dispair - I struggle to believe these words myself. 

I know it is probably my depression creating these thoughts and deep feelings of hopelessness, but fighting seems each day more of a challenge I can't face anymore. The few days I thought I was over the hill, feeling like I could climb any other appearing hill vanish in the distance (or my memory). 

So how do we cope when sadnes crushes all the good in us? 

Do something which uncrushes it. 

Uncrush and build on the uncrushable. 

in present we grasp

the hero we think

the greatness compelled 

by strength. 

I don't claim courage

for the man in camouflage

that fights children in gowns

a language he doesn't speak

a god he doesn't know. 

My heart won't skip a beat

for the man living in plenitude

thy generosity is not god-given

decency is no feat to be applauded 

simple gratitude suffices. 

The hero rots in prisons

stands on the street day by day

plants, kneels, reaches, stands

the hero will not have shiny teeth

a brilliant smile

a pretty face. 

No hymn will be sung to praise their name

he survived, she survived, they spoke out

they held a hand when no hand would have reached

they smiled, and called, and saved when neglect had  reigned. 

this is too young for story telling

it is too small to magnify

but I have stood here, my god, so often

time has made me shy.

to praise, devote, inhale their love

as if they're unique companion I have sought.

usually not. 

the present tells a better story.

you stay for one two three 

as if it was eternity

and then we leave. 

the curtains fall. 

the show discontinues due to 

too muchs

or not enoughs

but I am usually bored. 

so often I have promised into the wishful night

into my dreary book, 

no man will take me from myself

and then they do

and I dissolve. 

But here I write it black on white

into the ether, a blogging site

you will not swallow me

I will not swallow you

I will not draw my lust, love and light

into you

I will not hope for what I cannot know

and I will not dream of a future that hasn't grown

I will be here

in the now

in the present of what is

and if it not you, it will be someone else

and if it is not someone else, I will still move on

I will not wait for a man

but will dance for myself. 

It's hard to ignore the knot, which cuts the air, threatens words

but now it seems the time has come, my time to speak has come.

They all formulate so beautifully, on their signs and on their blogs

but I have sitten silently, neglecting and pushing away the thoughts.

I found excuses and apologies for them - and thought I was too drunk

I said they stole my body, but in my head I thought I'm strong

and when they reached for me and whispered, charming little spouts

praising all my features, pressing body, breath is loud

and told me first I'm frigid, little tease, a slutty saint

my shame can't match a torture, since I had never screamed

they might call this a conquer, but in truth they only claimed

a body that gave no response, a body stiff in feint.

The knowledge of your names had numbed by tongue and wit

Fuck I have been raped, I might not give a shit

I just take the pill and choke on it, nobody has to know

They said I was all flirty, maybe it was indeed my fault

They robbed me of my childhood, I thought I could control

And now that I’m much older, I see they’ve crushed my soul.

Barely this word rises, but joins the rising force

I might just add a word or two, and open here my doors

You know I am a joker, but this here is a scar

it reached so far and cut so deep it nearly broke my heart

with shaking wit and trembling heart, hear this voice of mine

scratchy is the sound it makes, when saying I am fine. 

I know a sorry doesn't change

what has been done or has been said

yet here I am, in thought, in cringe

and I send a spell to y'all, memories

forgive, forgive, forgive. 

I know I have been unkind

and have spoken just to cause hurt

thrown tantrums when a NO was the answer

to a question I have asked

insulting, insensitive, inquisitive.

And in good intention I labelled

a world, to make it a better place

thought of myself as free, as simple

and now I see, I was an ass.

To all my loved ones, and who were once loved

to those I shrugged off in arrogance

to the ones who ran, the ones who stayed, the ones who lingered

my eternal love, my gratitude

my realisation is for you. 

I am not as smart as I thought I was

and not as good or brave or light

I am not the seed of a shining star

a lover, a friend, a passenger

so much to learn, too much to do. 

This here is just a thought

but it comes and goes on every day

when I read the news, when I speak to them

my friends, my peers, my loved ones

and I look at them and see them grow

I see them rise within themselves

and I wonder which turn I've missed

that so many regrets seem to have grown instead

who am I now?

"Don't look while I am fixing"

no longer works

help me growing

give me a word, a fix, a pep you name it

your time, your care, your thought

are valued now and ever

I thought I'd grow alone

but I just need a little help from my friends. 

oh boy, you've tangled me up into your maze of trick and cheat

here a blame, there a little love, but unbalance sowed the seed

t'is the last word you get, and yes, I might break that one, too

but eye to eye no longer works, when sorry's lost the new

admittedly, I am confused, and soft a kiss will make me turn

but hard are voice and sound it makes, to make my stomach churn

my love was small and tender but withered in the race

I cannot keep the words I said, I cannot lit the blace

forgive me heavy lover, for I know you meant all well

but loving you was most the time comparable with hell. 

for now I have outcared, for now I cannot stay

as all the steps you need to make are out of my own way

too long the doubt has lingered and grown a thicker skin

no longer can I seek to please the offspring of your whim

I know you will be better, and maybe we will cross 

for now I will no longer hope nor grief the pain of loss.

Here is the note long-needed, a charm for wiser times

reminds me that your sweetest words are conning verbal crimes 

for every time you're sorry, I know you truly are

but twisted love is poisonous for any persons heart

I'll cherish our best but build an altar for the ill

reminder of the time it takes to nurse me back to well

please take no harm dear lover, the wounds will heal, be sure

what kills you not, scar it becomes, path taken to the cure. 

it makes me wonder

sometimes

if it is just the lack of luck

or a bad hand when chosing

the persistent hope

the never-dying wish

the ever-growing frustration. 

but this voice is wrong

they want to taint me

poison me

make me insecure. 

I have it all in my hands and in my heart

I have a voice that becomes more mine each day

and I have hair which can change

when I need to change. 

(for anyone reading this, it is quite a personal reflection here - but it helps me to sort my feelings and thoughts out - in case you continue to read, I hope it brings some sort of reflection to you, too).

Lately I have felt like sitting in a merry-go-round, holding as tight as I can onto my unicorn- closing my eyes in fear that I will be catapulted off this machinery.  I see the faces of loved ones and strangers merging into one blurr of colours and velocity, but there is little to distinguish their endings and beginnings from one another. 

Yesterday I was still told how deep and eloquent my thoughts and writings are compared to those of my peers, and now I find myself struggling to compose one thread of thought, settled and solid enough to withstand the notions of time, emotion and change. To say I am terrified is an understatement. I withered away for a long time, hiding in a cave hoping to be saved and forgot all the lessons I knew from my childhood and before. Exchanged them for feelings I never allowed to enter before, but now they life rent-free and expanding. 

What are those lessons? Don't be afraid, just love, just laugh, just be. Instead I find myself looking enviously around in my circles or even at strangers. Instead of appreciating the blessings I have, I catch myself loathing the lacks, the gaps, the missing success, the failing attempts, my attitude and the one of my surroundings. 

It is difficult feeling alone even if surrounded by others. We have grown into a society, into an understanding of social bonds where everyone and everything is easily replaced. I bet people have always felt this way, and those words I said were executed similarly 100 or 200 years ago. But I wonder if lack of appreciation has increased with smartphones and social media. 

What is growth? 

The older I grow the more I started doubting myself. While I felt strong connection with the universe and the macro cosmos of our human existence I have always struggled very much with the subtleness of our microcosmos. "the benefit of the doubt", my position in the family, with friends, or even in my own life. While until recently I thought I had a strong purpose, this strong feeling continued to fade away with every day of getting closer to it. Now I am only a few months away from graduating for a Master degree I thought I needed so much, but I tremble upon the thought of being part of a large company with people who get up every day at the same time, put on their suit and make a living. I fear facing hundreds of rejection letters and feeling my self-confidence crumble with every word on it. 

I fear that I am in relationships just for the sake of avoiding total solitude, claiming their place on my side to fulfil something I wasn't able to fulfil myself. Practicing forgiveness and love is difficult, you know? I am experiencing growth as a painful process, a process I sometimes struggle to commit to. I am not sure I am mature enough to take on some responsibilities, I am supposed to. ...

tbc

for I can't imagine

the world out of me

since I is the only

place I ever knew

what a great universe

I has created

but in no comparison

with the one across. 

We aim to expand, 

reject god and magic

since we now know better, than the one before

the law of nature, teaches unique

are the codes we're made of. 

only for the living

only for the thinking

but skin within

we're all alone

[sketch]

rising into giant's fate

made it hard, perpetuate

to truly grow and understand

the girl I learned to be

rootless, treeless, flying leaf

always there, never here

I will help, I will save

lost essence, wasted days

broken scaffoldings, torn muscles

the woman I want to be

free to chose my selt-esteem

what is this pain about

these wounds and scars

the void, the silence, the bounds

the leaf deteriorates

the giant crumbles away in doubt

I never claimed perfection

though I talk of it as a good friend

improve, improve, improve

chose the battles carefully

and save that energy

but don't save it for the special occasion

it will never come

the right time will never come. 

The day I make a decision is the best day of my life

the day I forgave you

the day I apologised

the day I cut my hair

the day I found my anger and thew it out the door. 

I never claimed perfection

as keeping it close turned it into foe

regret regret regret

waste your time and you will find

nothing but shoulds coulds woulds

and the days grow short and the nights vanish

accept the flow, steer a course, or the flood will take you. 

The day I broke a cycle was the best day of my life

I never chose life to be easy

I never sought for joy without sweat

the purpose of life is inside me

find it, catch it, drench it, 

encounter this journey without regret. 

I had a day dream filled with giggles and wonder

of a look that says: I love your soul

yet I didn't know - until a few lifetimes ago

that the thing I most desire, is the one which frightens me. 

I have dreamed so often, of this one and perfect friend

and had them in my heart, but let them go again.

There, you flew your flag, seemed unafraid

claimed that luck will be from now on fate. 

Time is no-one's friend, but no captive is taken

no need to defend, what isn't mistaken-

The flow will carry - due its own time

no rush, no haste, no hassle is fine.

I am tired of dreaming, and ready to wake

shake me when you're ready, but please don't wait

for a signal given by some unknown force

we chose this fate, we steer the course. 

I'm a mediocre poet don't tell me otherwise

to tie the knot between to words is nothing but a vice

I haven't felt in oh so long a feeling that might thrive

from hibernating lethargy I seem to have arrived. 

A word that fits just like a glove, is rare and shunned alike

as honest tongues inflect their homes so they won't agonise.

A bleeding knee, a cracked bone, a muscle twist and torn

I couldn't find a reason to forget why I was born. 

I don't care, I can't care for a dwarf in giant skin

a slumber took me by the throat, my heart wilts within. 

I dreamt the world much brighter, but honesty's an ache

it shakes my every bone, but I still don't feel awake. 

This isn't about poetry, these words are just hot air

thrown together, sounding well, bringing in some flair. 

But truth comes in waves, in avalanches of pain

it never comes alone, it never comes in vain-

what use has a poet, when his mediocrity prevails

a drunk child has spoken wiser when for love it wails. 

I've had you all you silly boys

saw you enchanted, confused, attracted by law

I am quite weird you say - but cute in a way.

Too often I am bored, desperate looking for fun

fantasising with Disney's tale of the one - 

I thought I found "you", and filled the gaps

the needs I have and made them lacks-

accepted with fate and worse with reality.

See, the idiot is clearly me!

An imbecile of hope and motion pictures

but accepted pain as the only teacher

lingering voices, ceasing their chant

might have forgotten what they originally meant

make a decision, truth-borne and from within

make love, make truth one of your kin.

I've seen you all you silly men

grown and strong and soft by touch

melted by gaze "I love you so much". 

But wonder strikes me, once and often too

I wonder if those words might be true.

if you haven't wandered, built and fought

nomad warrior, with a thought.

This love might just be foolish gold

uncanny value, easily sold - 

I have no use for such affiliate

that's why I am the true idiot. 

mira, de seguro ni cuenta te diste

pero te borre

te borre de todas las maneras posibles

de todas las redes sociales

de cada capacidad cibernetica en mi control.

querria borrar mas

pero requiere injerencia cirurgica-

me faltan los medios. 

te intento amputar de mis recuerdos

de la fantasia que permiti avanzar sin fondo 

sin fin.

no me quieres

no como quisiera

y aunque no sea abogada yo

como tu

de mantener distancia y seguridad

de actuar responsable como dices 

tengo que aguantar el rescoldo 

de ser honesta. 

mae apestas.

por largarte mas veloz que na'a

cuando fui yo la asustada

quien requerria paciencia

tantita 

porque de miedos tengo mas que cualquier otra 

y me asusto

pero en verdad si aguanto - solo tengo que recapacitar. 

con gusto

dices, y el gusto se me atora

me conviertes en conocida

y me prestas el silencio de alguien quien jamas fue.

pues, si puede ser, no soy paciente

y lejos de perfecta

pero te hago reir

te hago pensar

y me hubiera gustado aprender mas

de mi, de usted como dices, de lo que es aceptar y querer.

que del querer tengo mucho y no se a donde con tanto querer

y el rechazo me amarga

honestamente

me amarga

pero intento aprender.

ni cuenta te diste, o sera que no importe

no me quieres como quisiera ser querida

no me buscas ni cuando se nota que estoy perdida.

ahi voy carnalito

paso por paso aprendo que soy idiota en el amor

que ni tan chingona como siempre me hicieron pensar los mediocres

a quien le importan las nalgas duras cuando reconozco ser imbecil 

honestamente siempre duele

no naci mexicana para temer 

no naci nada para temer

pero para aprender

paso a pasito. 

A gift has been given, thousand by thousand brains

immaculate brilliance, haven't taught in vain

thy love thy thought thy hope thy god

truth's been sought, truth's been sowed

truth's been grown, truth is we're not alone

they yield in awe, still, some deny

and hold on to the written lie

that we're perfection, or somewhat unique

that we're to judge , or hold a grudge

and fuel with arm, and kill'em such 

as if they were worth less!

forgot what we are, organic beings made out of star

DUST

DUST

DUST

Lust

DUST.

do not scold the genital for being such a flirt

in the end it's what you're made by, not a pile of dirt.

Unfortunate! your target is the aim

to gain shame, fame or win the game

but truth is they're all the same

confusing you, arresting you, tying you, tiring you.

we all grow tired, to compare and contrast

putting truth last

I can't rest in silence, and commit to non-violence

my word is my fist, no sorry if it hits

right into your set of belief

and you might go through the stages of grief.

we're made out of water, carbon, and air 

elements discovered, through nature's flair

we're all made out of the same, some with less, some with more 

of: whatever, you can chose

and that's probably the only distinction we could abuse

because some are fat or skinny or strong

and even if you're smart, sometimes you'll be wrong

some of us sleep like babies while some of us can't

and some of us stand on stages and have poetry rants

some think they're young forever and regret in their age

that they never paused to contemplate the cage 

our mind has created,  in service of protection

locked you into a closet of pride and perfection.

You're wrong, you're always so wrong

and you keep on singing that same old song

I have nothing against them, but....

whatever you think, do not continue this thought

it'll only expose the darkest of your grace

I know it hurts to open those doors and to face 

the demons, the world, the shadows you thought

had successfully outrun! 

but once you step out of the closet, it's just the beginning of fun!

Trust me, trust yourself

you're greater than you think, once you let honesty sink

into all the dimensions of your beautiful self

and say: I want to be kinder! then everybody wants to help

because kindness is the key, to that ominous door called love

for you, and what you are, a bundle made out of dust and scars

as so am I, and her, and him, all the creatures, our planet, our universe

all good things come to an end, while we end in a  hearse

we're not long enough here, to understand it all

but a thousand by thousand brains made the call

it is time to think, to read, to embrace the awe

and respect that nature is the only law. 

callan las calles, te quise beber 

la noches se ahogan en malentender

te beso, me besas, pero no hay regreso

distinto el camino, perdido el trecho

te quise reconocer de manera ajena

pero extraña soy yo, nada me frena. 

It is not hard to find love

but I haven't seen it around much 

too many books, too many songs, too many poems and picture

it is always love

the mysterious, untouchable, 

eternal kind

all great moments held in a few million pixel

look at me

look at me

now please don't look 

come back in a few weeks time when I found love again

so much stage

so much attention

I wonder if love requires such exposure

if love is nothing but a cheesy picture

or my envy when they hold hands and giggle into each other's necks

holding hands being a unit

this unit which seems just simpply to be

I wonder if so much stage demolished

this altar I was tought love should be

that I imagine my unit descending from the screen into my heart

the place of detail and silence crumbles away 

with applause

when the curtains lift

and standing ovation when the curtains close

love is not hard to find

but surely it won't wait on a stage

surely it will have flaws and a hair in weird places

surely it will be silly when tired and grumpy when hungry

surely it will drink once too much and apologise for the mess

surely it will not wait for me to breathe so it can breathe too

surely it will question my actions and scold when I am wrong

look at me

look at me

look at us

a unit is a unit when it decides to be

love will come, as it will also find me!

2014 and as the cliche dictates I made resolutions. With the slight distinction that I religiously celebrate the Mexican tradition of eating 12 grapes when the clock hits midnight. With each grape being crashed between my jaws I send a thought, a goal, a pathway to the universe for it to hopefully materialise and being sent back to me. 

Last year I started doing a "not to do" - resolution list, written down on paper and carried around everyday. I want to get rid of bad bahibts, bad thoughts, bad friends, bad parts of me, and carrying a list helps to remember that I am actively working on the bad stuff, too, in case the New Year's Resolution of going to the gym every day will traditionally be postponed for the next New Year's Resolution. 

In addition to all these things, I have counted the bad days for the past 2 years. A bad day is defined by absolute feelings of dispair, the lowest, most unwelcome moments, where I sadly must admit that I forget to love myself, hence the world, too. Love is truly all, and when love is gone nothing goes. So in order to remember that we need to count the bad and the really good days, observe the ratio and make conclusions and be aware of the sides a coin has. Even the darkest days leave a mark, an insight, a lessons learnt from which we can draw good, positive, deep feelings and thoughts. Good days as such are hard to calculate, so I count the moments. Light, beautiful, colourful moments of this year. 

I also happen to have a jar which purpose it is to contain little papers with "awesome moment" notes in it. 

So these are four things I do, to keep track of the year and my happiness ratio. 

And now long story told short I must admit that most of my NY resolutions weren't fulfilled, writing a poem every week or at least 35 poems didn't work (in fact I wrote 16) . I didn't read one book for my own pleasure, I didn't meditate, I drank more than I wanted, I didn't work harder. So is there a reason to not like myself so much after all? Let's skip that. I did fulfil some points on my list, and they were the least expected, or most random. Find out more who I am and explore my femenity. Yes these were my resolutions. 

So for next year here's the list and the not-to-do list:

To do:

Receive my 1st real wage

35 poems by end of 2014

read for pleasure

go to bed on time

write letters to loved ones and strangers

show appreciation, be grateful, practice humbleness

wake up when I need to wake up

get out of the comfort zone, be open

focus on myself, my path, my health, my future - my present

practice my languages and instruments, plant a garden, eat my own grown

be clean, eat clean, live clean, think clean

define the year by detox instead of intox : 1 month sugar free, 1 month full vegan, 15 days vegan raw, do one liver cleanse, do one master cleanse, go to meditation retreats, find a silent retreat. 

my not to do list is much shorter in appearance but clear

don't:

snooze

wait too long to make a decision

rush into feelings

find excuses

forget who I am and what I need

smoke too much

drink too much

waste time

distract myself

be scared of loss 

wait instead of doing

assume. 

Happy New Year to everyone, may all your wishes may be granted but be careful what you wish for. Mua

I was recently asked the question if I considered myself a perpetual foreigner. 

I do. 

And because of that - and in an attempt to be truer to myself, this thought section will be written in german. 

In dieser meiner Welt, die nie stets und siedlerfähig ist, hat es kaum raum für klare Enden und Beginne. Ich setze mir eigene  Grenzen im Versuch Rahmen zu schaffen, und als ein solcher eignet sich der 31 Dezember sehr gut. Ein kurzer Zeitrahmen der Reflektion gewidmet, und was erhalte ich?

Ich merke, dass all diese Dinge die ich so sehr Teil von mir glaubte, gar nicht mein sind, oder je waren. Im Rausch  möglichst viel zu sehen, wissen, leben - habe ich Wahrheit und Reife unerkannt gelassen. Jetzt, im alter von 25 Jahren, muss ich mir meist selbstverständliche Gedanken- und Reifeprozesse aneignen. Ich muss diese grausame Stimme in meinem Kopf ausschalten die mir Scheitern und Verlust propheziert. 

In Wahrheit hatte ich nie eine Pubertaet, ja zwar war ich genauso ein idiotischer, hormongesteuerter und schlecht gelaunter Teenager, aber während andere stolpernd in ein Erwachsenenbewusstsein steuerten, dachte ich mich schon auf dem Reife Zenit. Zu oft wurde mir bestätigt dass ich viel reifer, weiter, tiefer, höher dachte als meine Altergenossen - genug der Honigsprache um ein liminales Wesen in eine schwer abzuschüttelnde Arroganz zu stossen. 

Diese Erkenntnis ist Teil meiner jetzigen Liminalität. Im Wollen möglichst viel einzuschliessen habe ich mich selbst eingeschlossen. Meine Sprache, mein Leben, meine Freunde, meine Ziele - jeder denkbare Lebensaspekt existiert auf Standby. Bei meinem Letzten Besuch in der Schweiz merkte ich, dass mein Sprachgefuehl, mein Vokabular, sogar meine Gedanken - dem einer 21-Jährigen entsprechen, wenn nicht jünger. 

Noch heute werde ich oft nach meiner ID gefragt wenn ich Alkohol oder Zigaretten kaufe, und ich scherze dann gerne, dass ich seit 10 Jahren 18 bin. Es ist ja an sich eine gute Sache dass mein Gesicht in Gnade über meine Exzessive Jugend steht. Aber wenn das Bewusstsein ähnliche Karten spielt, sieht alles anders aus. 

Es sind viele Gedanken mit diesem Prozess verknüpft, und ich habe noch unbeschreiblich viel zu lernen, aber in diesem liminalen Raum der mein aktives Leben darstellt, bin ich froh um den einen oder anderen Anker der sich bietet, es fuehlt sich gut an in Schiller's Sprache zu schreiben und meinen Wurzeln etwas treuer zu sein, auch wenn es Luftwurzeln sind. 

I was born North

in any country North

193 when I feel acknowledged

196 when I think I am important.

But in truth we are 200 and more 

strong, and fierce, and fighting for that seat in New York. 

My skin has grown pale - the sun has put on her shy dress

In the heat of Mexico's desert just minutes from the border

eternal freedom - super size Coca Cola - I am North

I have lived you many times, in many places, it's North that's home to me. 

The taste of sweeter sounds so different from the south

the needle draws and shows we're North

almost centered - but no cigars.

Exclaiming clarity - we're here! They're there - and there is Mars

in repetition of numbers, meridians, latitudes - check my coordinates

drawn on my heart, beneath the chest

53.4667°North, 2.2333° West

you see, they say that North it is where I roam

but in truth I am just simply home.

My walk is bouncy and I sing to myself

and when I sing I sing to you

but you start that song and the beat goes on

I envy you

I was the one to leave, involuntarily 

the moment when you said I am free

I was in truth, and care was far from me

I envy the smooth path you've paced

abundant in nature, in new, in exciting 

saturated in laughter, poor in grim

and somwhere in between I bounced in

and you bounced out

too far my heart - too long that time

and still you kiss me, pushed to wall

dance till sweat, catch my fall

in time it grew

I envy you.

All this time I thought I could

and it comes true, they say you snooze

maunder, nap, languish in youth

and lost it is, shed and gone

trailed off down those paths you've paced

I envy myself for wandering, laze

I thought I had it all

dance till sweat, hard's the fall

and still you'd hold me, a hug among friends

I thought I was free, but now I pretend

if she only knew, 

how damn much I envy you. 

I have been there, you are not the first

and say that you like me, but sometimes it hurts

to have the sleeve up on the tongue

or was it heart, it just feels wrong

to leave when love is just a seed

and time fails hard to fill those needs. 

but what's to heal? The weed has grown

on a fragile scion, too small to withhold

the damage of storms, and fire, and sores. 

Idle garden, fallow field, voiceless song of mine

tender heart has been once more postponed for unknown time. 

For A. 

I have not been keeping up with my target of poetry writing, which makes me feel very sad and asahmed. I haven't allowed myself the rest and leisure to let my mind roam for a while and catch come new thoughts and inspiration, but have been hastily taking new turns in my life and new exciting decisions which have been consuming me entirely. 

So what happened? I am going to tell those few who might actually in their midnight boredome wonder. 

In April I had to rewrite my whole dissertation, as my tutor decided 2.5 weeks before due date that I had produced a pile of intellectual blurr i.e. BS - which forced me to gather all my hidden superpowers, live of highly dense vitamin and mineral food and extremely little sleep to finish this forceps delivery "On time". I am writing "on time" as I actually never truly finished, but "finished" 1.5 hours before deadline and wouldn't have been able to do so without the great help of my friends. 

May was a plough of last essays to write, all with the little remains of my brain which my dissertation benevontly left. In all honesty it wasn't much, and I was certain I wouldn't be able to graduate with more than an embarassing mark. But oh well. I was tired. I was exhausted. And I was in hospital. Oh wait, that's June. 

June was, as I said, 1 day hosital and 1 week recovery and packing up my stuff and being unsure what the next step would be. And there was the Underground Market II as well. And a sad attempt to discover the last uninteresting bits in Portsmouth. And more recovery and the diagnosis that my overies had decided to explode... ish. My doctors can't really decide what I have, but I have it. 

July? July was a rather spontaneous flight to Mexico and there I stayed with little interruptions in Guanajuato, Mexico City, Monterreal, Monterrey, and Playa del Carmen. It was good but not really productive, unless you find learning how to play Elephant Gun by Beirut to be productive. 

This went on till midst of August, where I came back to Switzerland to be harshly put into the real life and infront of the rather uncomfortable task of deciding what to do with myself. 

So yeah, that happened and I first half heartedly applied to the University of Manchester for  MSc. Pretty fance for just half-heartedly doing so. And the more I was thinking about it, the more I really wanted it. Bam, well, I am writing now from Manchester - the rainy city - which is am unfair name, I have been here for 3 weeks and it has only rained 3 times or so. 

So now I am super excited and pretty scared to start this great journey I am already 3 weeks in. I can now use all the best of focus and luck vibes, as I have missed a lot of study time due to househunt and later stress-related illness. But this will be all ok, I know it. I am doing what I dreamed of, and paving further and further the path to my dream job one day. 

SAVING THE WORLD - BUSINESS!

I am noone you like but I might be someone you love

as I am who you are and wished to be

a vessel just like them and barked like a tree

a beggar, a runner, a peasant in the sun

a truth you thought was long time gone

Too honest this heart, and writhe in regret

too often have I said what I shouldn't have said

too often I stretchd to get a grasp of your hand

sand turns to cement and becomes this heart

a muscle of stone, melted once and went hard

A lion, tinned scion, a man made of straw,

I thought we're all perfect but covered in flaws-

we've listed the missings, but action is rare

I am someone like you, and pretend not to care

unperfect in truth, and playing unfair . 

Resist

the urge of perfection has ceased

in constant better

or different

or somewhat unique. 

Ingest

Here I saw myself in witness

and had to humble

those years it took to learn

what over and over has been taught

that by looking over you'll just stumble

that you should be your only concern

Digest

arrogance has led too far

I thought too often that I needed more spark

false illusions, own prophecies, 

compose images of false belief

Invest

forgiveness is a key 

unlock it - thrive

reach for it and dream

what you are is all you are

not all of value can be seen

understand the beauty of life. 

Now that I feel that time is running tirelessly

I received an image of my future, double-aged self

saying: hold. Hold for an instance.

Side-note

I happened to notice that the first official blog entry was written a little over 4 years ago. This is of little to no interest for most the people, but made me think for a few moments.

Although my life has changed drastically over the past 4 years (the website itself has been around for +- 6 years) this blog has remained. I don't think I have any readers, and if, welcome you stranger and lover, welcome on this little island composed by my thoughts. I have lived in 3 countries ever since I started this blog. I have worked for many people, WITH many people. I have learned 2 new langues and improved 2 others fundamentally. I changed my whole perspective on life several times and started to walk upon an academic path (something unimaginable 4 years ago). I am no longer a full-time poet. I have succeeded and especially failed a few times more in life. My heart has been broken and fixed and yet broken again. But this blog stayed. It's been my creative outlet and life counsellor, and the reason I haven't given up writing poetry for good. The nature of this blog allows people to read in a linear manner, to roam through my thoughts and past, browse until the moment where I decided to go cyber. Back in the day facebook wasn't invented yet, or at least not a an everyday activity. The main reason I started this blog was to share pictures I have taken with others, a function other websites have taken care of. We have been overwhelmed by the internet, noone warned us that one day, everything will happen through a keyboard and a screen. I remember the excitement computers and fast internet caused me, when first encountered. And again, I have to say, wow, so much has changed -so so much, but this blog stayed. I know it is not a great effort, or something to be proud of, but I feel this blog resembles an anchor of my life. It gives me some tranquility to know that although many things have changed and are constantly transforming, somehow my words still apply. Somehow these poems and words and thoughts still make sense. And I hope for any stranger, lover and roamer that they have an anchor in their life.

I found myself in water, the drowning dead was near

my demons came and exposed the night, the night I so much fear

no witness to my torture, no helping hand in sight

just the moon and sun and stars - bare witness to my fight.

To fight an inner demon, is a clean and proper strive

They give you two fair options, one is called surrender, the other one is life

All bones inside were broken, and hope a distant glow

and then my witness' called me, you must go with the flow.

A demon can't be fought, it only needs a face-

a name, a tag, a shape, a grasp - an understanding place.

I took my demons forces, and turned them upside down,

I made them boat, to float the sea, and never let me drown.

Look at me, I'm aging, but this mollusc bides in dream

to find myself a warrior is the ever losing theme.

My armour here is polished, the weapon's on the hand!

but as I turn and see my boat, I see the ship's unmanned.

Oh captain, which captain? the steering wheel is mine!

barbarous was the sea, the wind was blowing fine

I fly the flags and hoist the sails and sing a sailor's song

In solitude no ears can hear when the tune I sing is wrong

Sometimes the boat is weaker, and leaks a wave or two

t'is was the time when haven sought, and thought that it was you

you liked my boat, the tune I sang and the beauty of my sails

yet, how could you know, that all of this was made by my passed wails?

I found you as my friend, reluctant at the start

but opened myself vulnerable and offered you my heart

gullable, is what they say, and soft as butter, too

honesty clings to me, as I have clung to you

now the haven is behind, and open sea ahead

this little thought here is for you and what we now have shed

but friend, you were no warrior, no armour suits you well

in tranquil heart you seek to live, conceal the demon's knell.

The rocking sea's my mother, and calms my thoughts and songs

it fills my heart with bliss and joy, when for another't longs

I might be my boats captain, but coxwainless's this ship

and on and on until it finds a steerman that might fit.

There are many reasons why someone should overthink their eating habits. There are even more reasons why everyone should overthink their consumption behaviour in general, but on that maybe later.

 Food has always had a huge impact on me as far as I can remember, however, it took me years to realise how sensitive I truly was. I won't blame my mum, I am certain she always tried to make food fun and healthy, but still, there was always meat, rice, wheat and frozen food involved including lots and lots of dairy products, and a microwave meal everynow and then and her experiments with artificial sweeteners and other things. On top of that I used to feel very anxious to bring food to school, which let to eating the junkfood my peers and I considered "filling". Food certainly wasn't my main priority for many many years, but certainly had great impacts on my mood and health: I suffered from Psoriasis for the greater part of my life since I am 5, bad eye sight, extreme mood swings and grumpy-ness, terrible sleeping patterns and pale skin.

First steps into more conscious eating started when I refused to eat tuna out of cans and artificially sweetend products, the former in regard to the enviroment and the fish industry, the latter because the taste truly is nasty and I don't know which kind of numb taste buds it requires to allow such chemistry into one's body.

I knew very little about being a vegetarian. Living in Mexico 2009/10, with most my friends being vegetarian I naturally adjusted my eating habits to an all-cheese diet, forgetting that my body would need some other vitamins, minerals and proteins, too. I didn't feel well at all, which brought me to see a doctor, who snorted at the sight of my blood results. He said: "you're 21 but your blood looks like the blood of a 70 year old lady". Well, that didn't make me feel particulary well. He recommended to eat liver, something I've never tried before and after I did wouldn't want to do so again. Liver is ew.

I felt that my time to become a vegetarian hasn't come yet, I didn't really grasp the concept of food, eating, health and well-being. Being a vegetarian meant you loved animals more than yourself or you simply didn't liked the taste of meat, and neither applied to me. At least I wasn't completely ignorant anymore, learned my lessons and started to get a grasp of what truly good food meant.

On NYE 2011/2012 I wrote a list of resolutions, including the goal of becoming a vegetarian.

While most of the other goals (do more exercise, better grades etc) slightly vanished into oblivion, it was a heart-issue of mine, to stick my middle finger to the meat and food industry and celebrate some kind of new aquired independence. I didn't plunge into the icecold water, in fact, my meat consumption had been naturally decreasing over the past few months, which led to loads of frozen meat products in my freezer.

I didn't want to be one of "those" veggies, who are difficult at dinner parties, refuse to eat of the same fork as a carnivore or looked at meat-eaters with certain spite. I promised myself that I wouldn't suffer and would give in, in case meat-cravings would come up. Truth is, on New Years Day I had a meatball sub. I also had to prepare all the meat in my freezer, as I felt it would defy any ethics to throw the meat away and therefore completely reject the sanctity of life. However, it was surprisingly easy to become a vegetarian. Basically any meat has meat substitutes.  For a carnivore who becomes vegetarian for ideological reasons like me, meat substitutes are helpful and good source of protein, but not necessarily truly good food. In fact, quite the opposite, but I'll talk about that another day.

What I learned being vegetarian is:

• you don't eat naturally better because you're a vegetarian

• you must make research into food if you want to survive
• cleaning your carnivore housemate's cooking utensils (as a favour) is disgusting (something I didn't notice as a carnivore is the stickyness and smell of animals product residue on cooking utensils) 
• people will always ask why you refuse to eat meat. Some will give you something like a "blessing" if they find your "argument"  coherent enough, others will desperately look to find other health-related flaws in you, others might even feel that you're a radical and be weirdly enough "offended" by your food decisions

I've been offended and praised for being a vegetarian. People have called me dirty hippie, communist or world saviour. It is strange how personal most people take other people's eating habits, but it seems even stranger that upon that they don't start to question and rethink their own eating and consumption behaviour. I became a vegetarian as an experiment on my consumption habits and  to see if I can live without meat and yes, it is easy, it feels good and on top of that it makes life very much easier (menu's have usually vegetarian dishes marked with a V and normal restaurants don't have many choices so I usually have my mind made up within 30 seconds after browsing the menu).

Being a vegetarian is only the first step on the path of consciousness which I decided to walk upon a few years back.

Food is not just feeling filled, it is our way of understanding life in a deeper, more holistic manner.

Nächtelang winde ich mich - halte Hand aufs Herz und prüf

Auf Schlag folgt Schlag folgt Schlaf, verdient aber nicht sehr tief-

da sitzen sie, schwer auf der Brust, zig Geister und Dämonen

stellen Fragen ohne Sinn, möchten fried'voll'n Traum mir nehmen. 

Ich habe mich gewidert, entzweit und verletzt-

alten Stolz verloren und mit tiefer Scham ersetzt.

Das bin nicht Ich, die um Liebe und Zeit dir fleht

das ist der Hund, der in meinem Herzen lebt. 

Sein Winseln ist so kläglich, es macht alle Ohren taub

liessen jedermann vergessen, in Wahrheit bin ich Frau.

Du willst mich nicht, ich brauch dich nicht, ein Hund ist auch ein Wolf

Der Mond ist meine Mutter, die Freiheit ist mein Stolz.

Ich tanze lebenslang, weil mein Herz es mir erlaubt

zu oft wurde mein Herz vom wilden Lamm geraubt.

Ein Wolf der Salsa tanzt, dreht sich im Takte von dir ab,

eins, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, sieben, acht.

You saw my struggle, felt how I tried to retrieve

I drank too much, could barely hold on my feet

I whispered no, when you grabbed me

In heat ripped of my dress

I just bought it last week, then you kissed my chest

Please stop, no please. And naked you were

So young and pretty, my rapist in a blur

Please don't hate me... but...but I said no!

I thought we could make love a few hours ago.

Stabbing throb, you're on your way

To come, to burst, humiliate.

Is this what you are a rapist by name-

Or a dumb boy just playing a game?

It might have been whispered, but still a no

I pretended to sleep, so you might let go.

My body's a temple, mutiny its prayer

I died there, bit by bit, layer by layer.

I find it hard to talk, my throat, it strikes

When I think of one among a thousand nights.

Today I'd scream, I'd kick my way out

Back then I was young, didn't know what it is about

That no one is just desire and lust and heat

That respecting yourself is respecting me.

One syllable, you make your choice

Love your life and use your voice.

No

Out there, they call, and they call me dear

My home is here, home is here

Mere shadows of a wall but unbroken and kind

After all these years, it doesn't come with time

Now, now, my breath is steady and feels the sea

In a few moments, I'll celebrate being me

Part, part from me pride and doubt

Aside denial, distraction, destructive thought

Drench me in your waves of love and light

Mend the scars passed on me from the scarred

Embrace the flow, heal in all spheres

Hum the chant, accept yourself

Undo the guilt, forgive the past

My heart, our soul opened up to eternity-

Om Mani Padme Hum.

their whisper and giggles, a finger pointed at me

I didn't know that my rucksack wasn't fashionably

I begged for months, there where home used to be

and now, Mom, they're making fun of me!

I said something funny, at least 'tis what I thought

cruel was their laugh, while with tears I fought

They hurt me bad, when noone's there

they push'n pinch'n punch'n swear!

I try to fit in, Mom, I try so hard

but day by day they keep on breaking my heart

I'm the last one they choose and  pretend not to care

but when we play games, they never play fair.

Is it my height? My hair? My voice? My face?

My clothes? My Bag? My pencil-case?

What can I change, what shall I do?

To be a part of that damn group!

I'm tired of trying to fit in and be strong

I can't feel home somewhere I don't belong

one day, perhaps, soon will it be

I can celebrate just being me.

and here I stand, alive and safe

I didn't have to play the brave

I guess, Mom, you were not that wrong,

what didn't kill just made me strong.

les couleurs sont ta passion,
nostalgique mexicaine,
fête d'emotion,
danser sans rênes

  all you silly boys!

Stretch your muscles, prove me wrong
you're my kind of prey in a pop song
put on repeat and writhe in pride
ouch that was my ego, and it died.

oh dear heavens! what have I done?

A month pretending to love someone

solitude truly is one awful trait

might transpire hope but mostly hate!

I pretended to be prey and it was okay

a girl's heart beats sometimes in different ways

you wish to protect me? that's one shiny knight!

but I should have told you that I know how to fight!

You might be strong and turned out weak

you might be fun but bored within a week

you are so kind but ignite no spark

I'm bored my love, bored from the heart.

I've seen you all you silly boys

strong or smart or kind or toys

one trait is good but not enough

for me to like you and one day love. 

I have no clue why it took me so long, but here's a small retrospective report on my activity in Mexico 2009-2010 regarding the Poetry Slam movement.

It might contain some mistakes, but i've been sitting on the computer all day and lack of energy at the moment. I hope you can take some inspiration out of it.

http://dadadari.jimdo.com/poetry-project-monterrey-mx/

Please don't bore my heart

in pride thinking: I want more

ignore the deserved.

Adulthood : Amended.

I sought for greater words

describing time

as it passes.

They do smell like grown-ups

fusty when out of bed

wine finds itself in glass

no more random cracked mugs. 

you say you love me

when we see each other

once in eternity

the wine made you soft

only wine makes soft

what others shaped into form

all is norm norm is all

my heart is bored

to discuss, debate, elaborate

tiptoeing around hipocrisy.

Once I did wrong and got punished for it

nowadays I buy eggplant,

but never really liked neither taste nor texture. 

And when it rottens away in the fridge

I feel sorry for it, for me, for the untaken forfeit

I still do wrong

but noone says

we think we're grown ups

and don't need guide and guard

social solitude is no key for a time

lived and passed onto others

I came here to look around in awe

pretending to be or becoming an adult

bores my heart, it bores the life out of me.

They smell like grown-ups

drinking their wine

out of crystal not out of cups

woody, smoky, fruity, dry

and eww, ooh, aw!  dead.

adult jokes are bad jokes

I see them standing in small

edible circles commenting on this and that

the little left of social interaction

being cynical and sarcastic

look at my possessions

I was careful once and then I got boring

curiousity is a child's treat

I know it all

rise and fall

dear grown-up

need, urge, drive

and then comes the crisis

you want to be real again

big questions arise

being a grown-up is the most boring thing

ever happening to me.

Favourite Songs 2012:

Thomas Tallis: Spem in Alium

Marina and the Diamonds: Numb

Alt-J : Taro

Dreamend: The Sick Call Cabinet

Noah and the Whale: Beating

Fiona Apple: Hot Knife

The Knife: Pass This On

Da Lata : Cores

Calle 13: Latino America

My Morning Jacket: Highly Suspicious

Soggy Bottom Boys: Man of Constant Sorrow

The Black Keys: Howlin' For YOu

Janelle Monaé : Cold War

just realizing there are far too many.

Retrospective:

This year has taught me A LOT. Final gift of the year was an epihany, revelation, enlightenment. I can't really explain in simple words, but I hope the clarity of this event will be a longer companion.

Lessons Learned:

What I want is not what I need

Healing is a process which can't be accelerated but only supported

If they try to make you feel that you're not good enough, it means they are not good at all

nothing and noone can harm me

if something hurts it is usually my ego

it is easy to be whatever you wish when it is there in abundance, your truth appears when scarcity is around

law of attraction

past's true face is gone

I'm only as alone as I chose to be

Prospective (Resolutions)

there are many so I only tell the most important one for this blog:

Write a minimum of 35 poems by the end of the year.

Go out of the house every day.

Have a happy new year Strangers and Lovers.

we were all born crazy

but he claims the norm

this fight is unwinnable

when they start the storm

apology is easy

when the shout is done

I was just angry

but real is the harm

don't fight those fools

just soothe their ears

their level is dark

no matter their years

a fool's power is ever

and strong when you care

don't waste your words

to a head filled with air

storms are tricky foes

and hard to defeat

so let them be wild

and smile, while you read.

silence after laughter
your lungs empty, grasping for reconciling
breath. your body - there a shake
they told the story different!
being brave and unique is the key
for someone just as brave and unique
to stumple upon and chose you.

Time is wiser and harsher

brave is stupidity, unique a madness.

To sell well you must be a good for mass

teaches economy, supply and demand

must meet at equilibrium.

There's no demand for my product and

I charge far too much.

Unbalance. 

I'm all these heroines mixed in one body

an artificial artefact of mediatric

hypocrisy of what ideal and interesting is.

My wit is fake, self esteem acted.

Ha!

The  more I commit to fake the realer I could become

but hopefully one day a change is gonna come

Hope is for those sitting in a room

folding their hands together, practising magic thoughts.

It's a joke. My handshake is firm, my glance steady,

now that I have your attention allow me to implode

and unfold the main character of my skeletton

vulnerable and fucking broken bones.

I'm only half as strong and double as scared

as what I pretend to be

I'm strong when alone

and insecure when in company.

My love's been raped and mutilated

a hundred times before, and you think

you can safe it? I've burnt all

the remains already but the

traces are my limbs.

AMPUTATE ME! Tell me

please you're not dumb enough to wait for a saviour

or love, it was just a joke.

Calm down.

Now tilt your head back and laugh

laugh as loud as your lungs permit,

do not anticipate for the....

DA CAPO

Hey brain how's it goin'?

All good heart! even better

I met someone who's fun to talk to

ah that's good

that means it's time for me

to be irrationally clingy, needy and demanding?

No heart! please don't!

Let me handle this, brain

I know what I'm doing

I'll make myself IRRESISTABLE

they won't have a chance but thinking 25/7 of me me me

I thought we talked about this

we don't want that

we want freedom and happiness

oh yeaaaah, changed my mind

ALL SIGNS GO FOR FOREVER

and who are you?

I'M GUTS!

Follow my lead

oh no, abort mission

why?

They don't like chocolate as much as we do

but that's totally ...

WHY DIDN'T THEY CALL AFTER THE SHOWER?

shut up heart!

STOP IT!

What's that?

Oh just my awesomess, another roadkill of heart/guts

we're still cool

no you're not

you're behaving worse than ever

how so?

By turning my whole system into a hormonal nightmare

C'mon self esteem you can do better than that!

better than them?!

YES! WE CAN!

no, better than ourselves, not better than them

oh that's no fun

we don't underachieve

well at the moment we're not achieving at all

they're crazy about us

no they're not

this is madness

can I please just cuddle myself?

A woman shall not pity herself

I'm trying to maintain that little bit of self consciousness left.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Swallow pride and prejudice.

Swallow fears and anxieties

Swallow worries and traumas.

I know I'm stupid at times

but it's because I'm scared.
Breathe

Breathe

Breathe.

We can be great.

excuse me random go crazy body/brain/system I don't like you that much right now!

For 12 years now I have experienced these triple numbers

I don't remember them all, but some

01/01/01

the year I was going to turn 13

and will experience my first kiss

much much later that year

02/02/02

the year I will experience fail

and puberty on its full storm

the year I'll feel like someone

and started to numb myself

afraid of pain

03/03/03

I work hard to succeed

and hope to enter new worlds

but nothing is ever as expected

strong friends, first love

04/04/04

Rock'n'Roll

Here I am almost 16

thinking the world is MINE

and then the heart breaks

into fragile scatters of a shadow what once was

Never say no to a hand which reaches for you

4 is my number

05/05/05

Everything changes that night

Real love changes everything

I felt so strong with you on my side

06/06/06

Out of age

but not much older

such a lucky fool I am

writing poetry

breaking hearts every 3 minutes

getting mine broken into particles of dust

is this the real life?

The man told me I have a big heart

and I cry and cry and cry

what is the value of a big heart?

07/07/07

Failure

Failure

Berlin and Birthday

Failure

Failure

This year was not meant to be

but I am a soap star!

you have to love me!

08/08/08

Berlin

London

100 lovers

perfect eye sight

perfect poetry

love at first sight

storm of the storms

life is almost good

09/09/09

I made it!

almost a world journey

my old and dearest friend

I am free and chained to this elf

I am giving birth to my first own baby

10/10/10

Love so strong

I found home

I leave home

new country

new people

new life

this is unreal

who am I?

11/11/11

I've lost myself

find new pieces and make them one

emptiness

panic

solitude

what I need and what I want

why don't you love me?

The Journey.

Why don't I love myself?

here it is

life, love, wounds, scars, healers

I dive.

Literally, figuratively, passionately.

12/12/12

I start counting

and find 3.5 worst days

perfect ratio

I grow wings

I let you go

I try to be brave

happiness is the only thing which matters

noone and nothing can harm me

go back to colours

a fragile start

curiousity please never end

0000000000

I am 24 now

I don't drink (only on occasion)

Don't do drugs

I don't steal

I try to be as honest as I can

I work

sometimes I am lazy

I sing and dance because it makes me happy

I apologize when I am to blame

I care

and still you tell me because I don't believe in your Father God I am not going to heaven?

I don't believe in heaven nor in hell

but I believe most of you who point at others are hypocrites

27 days to go but I still believe this year was better than the one before

and before

Thanks to the people who show they care

the random ones, the spontaneous lovers and strangers

the great music

the good jokes

the seldom tears.

I want to love you always
and admire you when you're brave
by taking the slimy bit out of the sink
or smiling at strangers without restraint
by grabbing my hand when we cross a street
or standing up to me when I am mad.
loving you always is not a question of time
one day we'll die or grow apart
but as long as you're here, and kinda mine
I want to love you with all my heart.

Oh so you want to be sarcastic when I ask you how you feel
a mhm is enough to close that emo-talking deal
well, I have to disappoint you I want a little more than that
one syllable is not enough to have a "I want to love you always" -chat.
Screw this, screw you, why did I ever wanted two?!
stupid hormones, stupid love, screw everything but the screw!
tighten up my mind and be rational you silly brain
and in opposite to you logics will be back to me one day!

I will not love you always

see, my heart ain't tight

but time has proven things

letting go when it ain't right

caring and sharing is all that is

confusing cause and sympton

won't be healed with a kiss

I untied myself and tighten the loose

and I'll be very careful, next time I choose.

My heart beats so fast I can see my chest pounding
it rattles in a rhythme and won't stop when I please
it cries in high tones but the lower are sounding
in struggle it breathes, in agony I freeze
we are all born crazy, but I sought to be plain
to be free and let go and maybe loved on day
you ask for my borders, the birth, the skin, or tongue
see this new body, which is used, and never young
I have seen so many, like you before you were
playing filthy truths, always failing the good dare
the skies above are fake, and so is this old word
my poem is this life seen through a lense which is blurred
go on. catch this; yes my heart's hurting when it speaks
it's hard to stop when playing strong, but truly feeling weak
it pounds and it sounds, it pumps the wounds all around
rarely ever stopping, there's no end to be found
I wished it'll stop this grotesque and aching game
happiness is a myth, and faith in it a shame
but peace or  truth or love don't indulge in global fame
yeah, I was born crazy in a world of ailing plain.

my water has come dirty

as I drunk the last bit

and the floating particles show

here's an image of yourself

I've lost some time

and slept a life

through what I've known

as truth

I lived in rhyme

succumed to drive

the rocky road as shown

is smooth.

I think too much

and met my fears

a thought is foe

and friend alike

Here is my crutch

my seldom tears

in stop'n'go

with your strike.

I caught you in a moment

when you lost yourself in me

I'm nothing but a demon

of love and fear and heat.
yes, I'm afraid, my brain's a twisted knot

and often I'm confused, rarely I am not

I need you friend and lover, to save me from my brain

it catches me in vulnerable and sends me to more pain

but life is good, and you are better, just one more little kiss

so I forget these silly thoughts and believe in what there is.

Ok, here's what I think of those ads: fuck you!

FUCK YOU! I am not being paid for having ungly advertisement on my poemss! This is an audaciousness!

I personally try my best to avoid adverstisement and the far reaching arms of only-for-profit based corporations.

I am very annoyed, but please, here is a beautiful song, listen in.

It's a band which should be much more famous in my opinion, so go support, watch, spread!

The Sick Call Cabinet, by DREAMEND

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Ys1T5o8iRo

my dear, I weep in sweet memories when you came to me like air

sweet fear, meeting like old enemies we're lovers supposed to share

I'm here, embrace me in your fantasies and let me love your once more

life

somehow we got seperated and maybe it was me

pushing you away in fear, in agony

in nihil thoughts and pride

you tought me alchemy

and what it wrong and what is right.

you have god's face drawn wihtin your name

there's no doubt you are the truth that I'm trying to obtain

I see them all luring in poses around your shine

adorning their depths with shallow grounds

"look at me, I create" they wrote on signs

they carry infront their chest and it sounds

like they forgot you who pulled us up on our feet

to look beyond what seemed horizon's limiting bounds

as the world does not end where sky and earth meet

and by curiousity we encountered there's so much to be found!

I love you, I dearly do, and now you've left me for so long

I was filled with juvenile pride, and faith I am it all

encountered the drought which will lead to you

this machinery is useless without your divine screw

I am vessel and fuel and almost all that it needs

but to grow and love it'll need your seed.

This time I do not want to share a poem or a thought, I want to write down a dream I had after two weeks of emotional struggle.

I dream a lot, intense and very often lucid. While being younger I suffered from terrible nightmares and night terrors, I have always dreamed of missions I have to accomplish and situations where I help others. My dreams usually involve animals, and the ability to speak with them. Often they do not appear in their natural size, such as elephants which fit on the palm of my hands, or fantasy animals I have never seen before while I am awake. This one I had last night left me with a strength and confidence I wouldn't have been able to accomplish by myself right now; and with a lot of confusion.

I find myself in a futuristic place of war. Chaos is everywhere, buildings are damaged and people are going berserk. Running and hiding, trying to get home I guess- I encounter a giant black and red coloured bull with golden horns. He's of the size of an elephant more or less. I was startled, but not scared, and lost all fear in the moment I realized that he was there to protect me. He came up to me in greatest trust and respect and told me to ride him. I do not recall his name, but a short conversation I had with him, asking if his name was Egon. He chuckled in disbelief and said: Of course not. He might have told me his name afterwards, but I can't recall. In one of the fights we got into he was injured, and in this moment an equally giant white lion appears with a golden mane. Just as the bull, I am not completely confident, but meet him in respect and trust, and so does he. We talk and I ride him, while he tells me his name: Refe'el. I wonder and ask him if Rafael and he corrects me: No, it's Refe'el. Refe'el and I have an incredible friendship, while I am nothing in size and power compared to him, I feel his trust and love surrounding me at all times, just as the bull's friendship. I know that he counts on me, but throughout the dream I do not understand which my mission is and how I am supposed to protect him as he's been protecting me.

I find myself in a place I call home in my dream, a place I have never seen in my life, but it's a house or a flat. I hear steps and meet two girls who in my real life have caused great damage to me, but one of them (still in real life) has tried to approach me after many years to apologize. I wonder what they are doing and see how they try to attack me with broken sticks which have pointy ends. I shout to the one who's been trying to gain my trust, asking what is going on and the two only laughed at me, saying I shouldn't trust anyone. I manage to escape and notice that many of the houses where my house is, have animals with golden features in the front porch (which are, like in Mexico, surrounded by a fence). I see huge stags with golden antlers, antilopes, felines... all kind of wildlife. I open some fences so they can escape and find a small baby fox with tiny little golden horns. I run to a house and find my grandmother who is not very fond of animals, but I ask her to take care of this one, as it is still very young and wouldn't be able to survive on his own. I explain to her that this one is a reborn spirit or angel, and as she is very religious she takes on this responsibility. I continue my quest of freeing the animals until I find a very young and small gazelle, again with small golden horns. As I pick it up I hear voices of threat behind me and I run up the porch (which was very steep) and try to hide in the soil, using my brown coloured dress as camouflage. I press my body and face against the ground and see a man with a rifle approaching and startle when I see that he notices me but ignored me on purpose by turning his back on me and telling the other people who were behind me that he couldn't see anything, it is than that I realize that I am being chased and that I have supporters among humans as well. I know that people are running around me and hear them saying: "is she the one with the golden heart?" "No it is her throat which is golden" "her tongue"... and so on, while I lie there I start to realize why I might be able to talk to the animals as I share a golden feature with them, but had to chuckle on the expression of "the golden heart". Suddenly one notices me and screams and I jump up as they start shouting orders of killing me, I kick them and shout: YOU WON'T SHOOT ME! Running down towards the street I see two magnificent large leopards, grey/white coloured with golden stains running towards me, and as I don't know them I startle, the first runs passed me and I feel that  he's attacking my hunters while the other shouts at me to jump on, but I am so surprised that I miss and he has to take a turn and run back towards me so I can jump on him. As we are running a few blocks and he's telling me that they are here to protect me he suddenly slows down, as he's being in pain or having cramps and I ask  him what is going on and he says that he doesn't know, but his body is not obeying. It is then that I notice a little arrow on this right back thigh close to my right leg. I rip it out of his skin and tell him to stop so I can suck out the poison. He refuses but I make him stop and start sucking out the poison, I can feel the bitter taste of the venom on my tongue, numbing my mouth and spit out and suck all I can, until I feel that we have stopped for too long, I carry him to a corner where he could be safe and have to continue to escape. I run down a big road cross, which is half destroyed and see dozens of people running behind me. Infront of me is a large fence which I am able to jump over and arrive in a barren field with a giant white turkey. During the dream I have lost shoes and my clothes are more rags than clothes. Someone attacks me and I find myself wrestling on the ground with this person (at this point the dream starts to get blurry) the turkey is making a scene, he’s not entirely happy to be there involved, but I sense his strong magic and although he didn’t seem to be very supportive he points out a pair of black/golden sneakers (which I have in real life) for me, so I can protect my feet.

The next scene is a ceremony, I am not directly involved so my guess is that it is my funeral, but the people are all dressed in beautiful colourful gowns – and this is where I wake up.

Although I am not entirely certain of the ending of the dream, it cheered me up more than anything else in the past few weeks.

Thanks for that Bull and Refe'el.

For the moment this day

has not offered any light

moments and spheres

I balance on my knees

and practice humble

heavy airs

I lack of fortune

but continue this

my song is lonesome

and tender kiss

a rare gift

heavy airs

inhale and sing them out

I've seen you before

and cast you away

I don't need you anymore.  

Inhale

and witness

how loss and past emerge

to one great pillar of weight

degrading slowly

as the choirs pass and sing

it's gone

let go

heavy airs.

Breathe and listen

with care

as words are bare

and naked syllables

unless you sing

and sing along

and understand the depth

of this holy mantra.

This roar

waking in the mid of a second

splitting air and ears

I am in Mexico.

My country bleeds 

out of every corner

but we got used to the sight of fate.

I walk upon these old streets

ever changing faster than my skin

in the light of the sun.

I remember these good days

when you drove me around and 

you smiled when I sang out of tune

and sometimes well. 

We miss a good leader

safety is rare 

money comes in tight belts

but the mangos stay the same. 

Por que no soy poeta

que la palabra ataca

sana

destruye

pero no alimenta.

No soy poeta

soy malabarista 

de tus alientos

segundos

tiempos

palabras de vez en cuando.

Soy poeta

me ahogo en sentimientos

que intento dar color

un ritmo 

una frase

un punto mal hecho

una rima perdida.

Poeta

luchando con palabras

donde el puño no alcanza

a ver si un oido me escucha

e intenta de reconciliarse 

con el corazon. 

I am tired

of swiming

and decided to drown

Determination is 

a word

like my hands

are tied to time.

Drowning is to let go

inhale when it hurts the most

to go deeper than anyone else

and encounter demons never seen.

I swim against the stream

swallow rivers and creeks

my muscles hurt and bleed

I am ready to leave 

this old place.

I know 'tis a tired day-to-day

swimming against the stream.

But all waters beauty wait for me

 at the end of this journey.

I will end where no fish has ended,

at the beginning of all life.

Not on your plate

between your teeth 

and some saliva.

I am an up stream fish

and die where I began

hundred and hundred 

of days ago

never grew old

only wiser seeing everyone 

pass, follow and die in vain.

I am tired

but I will only rest

the day I die

when the stream takes me

down it's rough path. 

Here I am 

drunk.

And as happy I could dance

I have encountered you!

My dear oddness

my social awkward and fear

I have battled in these fields

and felt I can't do it.

Felt my knees shivering at the sight

there is again another idiot

trying to make me feel I am wrong.

I hold my own hands

as tight as I can

and smile my widest grin

I don't need rules for you

to judge who I am. 

Here I am

drunk

and happy.

I like strangers

but I truly love

to be surrounded

by my friends. 

Then again, it was hard to find sleeping peace

with fire underneath those sheet

Hollywood is a cupcake factory

so lovely, but far too sweet.

I drew a rainbow face in memory of myself

as my hands are not skilled enough for shades

and enjoyed the madness when it came upon my throat

scream, yell, swear; my breath was midst a word spree. 

Then again, it was hard to find sleeping peace,

when work is done 

it is done

and I'm only left to play with dried saliva in my mouth. 

I don't have a cat yet, 

well, I doubt I ever will,

but started considering getting a turtle, 

or something else which could be a witness.

We all look for this cupcake

which turns our nights into firy peace

our mouths into rainbows

and the breath into a spree.

I am bad at playing cool

I giggle when I like something

I am sarcastic at times

and when I am angry, I am truly angry. 

Then again, it is hard to find sleeping peace

when I know I'd need a secretary

to record all my thoughts

between now and the moment I start dreaming.

Good night. 

I started writing letters to you

produce movies with elaborate dialogues and characters

wrote songs and poems

in my head

So many things I would like to say

but never had a breath

nor a brief moment

or even a glance to share with you

They tell to me fight

or let go

they tell me to distract

or focus on myself

and all these things I do

learning to accept

is the burial of hope

is the birth of

I wouldn't know

what ought to be born

as I would not dare to call it new

as it has always been me

I still write letters

and start with dear

and sometimes I am angry

but usually thrilled

being certain that this is it

but days or weeks later

I catch myself in slow motion

leading hand to heart

trying to hide the tremble

starting to loathe this moment

this bloody dear moment

when I lead your hand to my heart

to whisper these words

I might never say again.

And again we try to avoid

pathos and lethargy

And I follow the advice

in exactly this order

fight, let go, discract and focus

over and over again

just to realize that I could burn

the little remebrance

and let their ashes evaporate and disperse

into what we understand under eternity

unfortunately we do not understand eternity

at least not me

and I don't know where to put these ashes

as they keep floating around my head

keep on reuniting to new letters

all starting with dear and ending sincerly

and making me tremble

and then loathe again

and yes, I tremble

but feet stand firm

on a ground which shakier

would be difficult to find.

And then I tremble upon memory

empty vessels of long forgotten beats

this is gone, this is past

these ashes, these bloody old ashes

a smile got lost upon my lips

this little wrinkle almost forgotten

found its way back to my heart

I only tremble in joy and bliss.

Gone is what gone is

poems and movies might come

but they won't carry your name

I shared my breath with eternity.

(to Cecilia Bartoli)

Cecilia

You’re shaking my heart

I melt away and find myself at your feet

How furiously your lips shiver

Your chest invites me to rest

Hold on here, my beat just stood

For a brief moment I felt heaven came upon me

And loaded its weight into my veins

I would not dare to breathe just for you to breathe

Enough to inhale and exhale so you feed us with your

Tender and celestial tone

Cecilia

You’re shaking my heart

brava divina da capo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gn89JoTfBak

(here the lyrics and translation)

Armatae face, et anguibus

A caeco regno squallido

Furoris sociae barbari

Furiae venite ad nos

Morte flagello, stragibus

Vindictam tanti funeris

Irata nostra pectora

Duces docete vos

Armed with fire and serpents

From the dark and dreadful kingdom

You mad, savage companions

Furies come to us

With death the lash, and havoc

Teach us to avenge

the death of our leader

With our enraged feelings)

Your rudeness knows no boundaries

When I look at you, you don’t look back

And as I talk about you, you change the track

Your rudeness knows no bounds.

You don’t give me names, and forgot my face

Your memory is loss and void and nothingness

You forget so easily because it is easy for you

Your rudeness knows no bounds.

I can’t remember the smell of your hair

But I do remember how to play fair

I throw a ball and it bounces off

Your rudeness knows no bounds.

Your silence is the stuffing of the words I eat

My ears are starving for a sound they need

I walk along the bounds of your rudeness

And have many holes in my feet.

Your rudeness is a bound

Here I stop to make a sound.

I dug

I dug so deep I missed the gold

I dug deeper and saw the earth unfold

I dug to the deepest and found life’s mold.

I lost

I lost the shovel and dug with my hand

I lost the horizon from where I stand

I lost my country but I found new land. 

I see

I see where the sea kisses the sky

I see your lips and where the truth lies

I see the end and will still not cry

I stand

I stand with you but walk alone

When you arrive I’ll be long gone

If you look for me you’ll find me home.  

This time I won't catch the ball

I see it's perfect shape

and bright colour

flying towards me.

But I won't catch it.

Sweaty hands and trembling feet, 

I don't stand on the right position.

It might hit me on the head,

or pass through my slippery fingers,

I know I won't catch it. 

As we played you and me, 

we passed the ball to each other, 

at times it was a perfect play

of give and take.

But you hit hard or to slow or not in my direction,

and I won't catch it. 

Not this time. 

We lost the game, 

and I don't know if it is because of me, or you.

Eventually it won't matter, 

the results speak for themselves.

A lost game this season doesn't make us losers.

Let's change strategy.

Es spukt ein Geist auf meiner Zunge

Erinnerung und atmen

Nichts ist so arg

Zeit verstreicht ungesehen am Herzen.

Es spukt ein Geist in meinen Naechten,

Wenn im Dunklen klar dein Gesicht erscheint

Und ploetzlich ein Haar mein Gesicht streicht

Und ich die Augen oeffne, ist da nichts als tiefe Nacht

Nichts als tiefe Nacht und sanftes Atmen.

Es spukt ein Geist in bestimmten Klaengen

Und schnuert mir alles zu

Verstehen ist vergessen wenn

Ich mich ueberzeugen muss dass es richtig war,

Loslassen und loszuziehen.

Es spukt ein Geist in meinem Haus-

Und veraendert alles Waende die ich kannte

in hoechster Anerkennung und Stolz eine Haelfte sein,

verloren

was gefunden moecht nicht mehr zurueck.

Es spukt ein Geist in meinem Gebet

In Hoffnung die Haende falten und klatschen

Er moege sich in Luft aufloesen.

Todo puede ser magico.

Momentos que son perfectos

Que se toman en su tiempo.

Todo puede ser adecuado

Y raro al mismo tiempo por ser tan perfecto.

Todo puede ser horrible pero no perder de belleza.

El tiempo a veces no importa,

Menos cuando esta feliz,

Y cuando se anhela,

Agarra sus formas mas poderosas.

El tiempo es algo magico.

Magico que pase,

Que nos deje olvidar.

Magico que pierde luz,

y se vuelve realidad.

Son los suenios mas verdaderos.

I've joined Twitter community. Join me :) 

I am known for having very strong oppinions and my way to deal with people who care... lets say "less". Less about the general injustice towards the majority of our planet. 

I have a problem with those, who believe that they have been given a natural higher right to be where they are. I have a problem with those who believe that I am a dreamer and being a dreamer is something bad. 

People who strongly believe war is something necessary because it is the way it is, yes, realistically seen this is how the world rocks right now. But that doens't mean it must be rational. Because it is not. 

It is not rational that we are told and forced to vote for political leaders who voluntarily put our nation and grandchildren into danger, who will spend our savings, misuse our taxes and send our youth to war. I disagree with those who say that history has shown that victory is for the ones who fight, because this is wrong and incorrect and very simply said just false. History has shown nothing. History neither in short or long term has shown who the true "winners" are. Ottoman Empire, Persian Empire, Chinese Empire, British Empire or even Roman Empire, all these historical winners ... well... are historical. 

Being a dreamer or idealist does not mean I sit around in my room and play the Ukulele 24/7 even though I would like to. Being an idealist does not mean that I am scared of the world outside, the Real World, and its scary inhabitants. Being a dreamer does not mean that I reject to understand current rules and status quo. It means that i do BELIEVE that change is possible, that I BELIEVE in the power of good work and better ideas. I BELIEVE that nothing comes out of nothing, and good emerges of good, as bad emerges out of bad. I believe that the more we are working hard day by day with hands and tongue and good faith; the more likely will we accomplish our goal of a better world.

I am tired of people trying to wake me up. Only because of people who believe that they can change the world, the world has been a more bearable place. 

We were born with rights and responsibilities. I had the rights/priviledge of a childhood, clean nature, parents, friends, exquisite education and a very loud voice. In turn to say thank you to the world and the universe and my parents I'll take my responsibilities to help those with less priviledges. This is how it SHOULD be. This is how I make my dream come true. 

I am a Dreamer but I am not asleep. 

A boomerang would have honoured my encounter with time and space

I came back, I came to tell you, I am back, I am here to strengthen your back

I have left where I was and came where you are to leave a trace

For what I came I still don’t know but here I am with wings on my face

For the sake of the blurring noise in my throat I released a sound familiar to your name

I’ve left the skies to be with you but when you’re around they just look the same

It’s this noise in my throat worrying me that I broke my wings and might fall again

It gurgled and fought with my pride, I can’t tell, I am back for you! Heavens, this is hell.

I remember well, I used to be surrounded by golden light and magic

And then when least expected it turns into greyish night and tragic

That magic is only for believers and dreamers but not for the ones who live

That I certainly am alive and have only one heart to give

So here we stand igniting the lights which illuminate our ways

But for the sake of mystery blowing every other out

We are better than magic, do you hear what I say?

As long as we keep the track and won’t let our hearts be filled with doubt.

NY Resolutions:
Get a Job

Get an Internship

Write a Poem every 2 Weeks

Practice Uke/Cello

Lose weight

More Sport

More Tai Chi 

Be a Good Girl (friend, daughter, partner and human)

Work Harder for Uni

Eat Vegetarian

the Steve Deal

Work on my Flaws.

These are my 12 New Year Resolutions. 

The page has been narrowed down to a minimal of infomation.

Every piece on this webpage has been written by me. If there are any similarities with other pieces it is not on purpose. 

If you want to use any of my poems, ask for permission and add credits as my Name: DaDari Julie Love or Darienne Julie.

Thank you and have a happy and healthy new year. 

I have been standing here for days and have still to decide which turn to take

But the faster I go the slower I will leave

as life is a bird on my back and death is just a grief

I am not scared of what you call tomorrow or eternity

as where I come from the stars are my parents and the moon my nurse

and they taught me time is just a vessel like a poem or a hearse.

A vessel to put memories and hope and visions in

But they will break and vanish as the vessel expands.

Because for their cause is no reason and my family says:

I should feel, rather than wish - and do, rather than pray.

I was born godless; my father never claimed paternity on me

And my parents told me that there is not one father

But millions of which each has a wisdom to share.

I was born homeless; my mother never gave birth to me

And the nurse told me that I crawled out of a womb myself;

With nothing to fear, as I was naked and bare.

I have been standing here for days because even if ran I won’t move

I have been living here for eternity and have died a few times before

But time is what we take when we move in uncountable measure

But I take what I need and will not call it a vessel.

I will need, rather than want -and conquer, rather than claim.

And my parents told even if we picked colours they’ll all look the same,

That white and black are just varieties of grey and only light’s to be blamed

My parents taught me that only nature’s law applies-

To birth and death and all that in-between for what we call “life”.

A life to put love and gratitude, apology and pardon in

But they will evanesce especially the love when we forget one of them

My parents showed me light and what it brings

The shadows, the colours, the reflection of my wings

My nurse taught me to cherish each one of these things

As they’re not mine, nor mine to be taken or turned into me

That I can feel them and conquer but surely not claim

That I might need them and use them for keeping my way.

I have been standing here for days and my decision is yet to be done

Got rid of pride and doubt, strengthened my bones and encouraged my tongue.

I have been standing here for days taken breath after breath after breath

Screaming at my parents, that I am here for life and one day for death

That I am ready to go in any direction or pace

That I am ready to leave these vessels behind

Use the tools I’ve been taught to bequeath a trace

And be like I wished for ages at last a free mind.

For I will remember those who gave unconditional love

For I will forgive those who forgot to love for a few moments

For I will forget those who forgave themselves while forgetting what should be remembered.

For my love which is harsh and rough at times 

For my anger which is soothed by reason

For my reason which is removed by passion.

For the truth and the lies which are painful at times

For the shelter and the storm which are good when needed

For the need we forget when we only seek wants.

For the man sitting by a pyramid pointing to heaven and saying that we are children of the stars

For the man sitting in a pub pointing to nowhere and saying that nothing is enduring

For the man sitting on the street pointing at me at saying happy birthday.

For a life I wish I could live but will never do

For the impossible I have never believed in

For the hope of infinite craving.

For the life which is much better in dreams

And the life which makes it hard to believe it is real

For what we call deserts and oceans and their reflection of the skies.

For the grain of sand I am

For the drop in the ocean you are

For the stardust we'll be born and die in.

feel me to the extend of my essence

call it soul or spirit or high above

as I reach for clouds and jump the fence

good men who love- have karmas of dove.

I did not expect you

to do anything.

I'm good at giving people a hard time

and I like it at occasions.

Pushing to the limit 

just to regret it as we touch the abyss.

I've chosen my abyss and did not choose you.

And now you've chosen to leave.

I just wanted to let you know,

I learned a lot from you.

And a small little part of me,

hoped you might love me. 

But then again,

I am a tiny tightrope dancer. 

And maybe a small little part of me, 

expected you,

to wait down there when I'll fall one more time

and catch me instead of the ground. 

You surprise me when you speak like I wanted you to speak

but you don't say the words I wished you have said.

Little boy my tiny old boy,

I wish we could dance together and suprise each other.

I expect nothing from you,

only a small part of me wishes some tiny little love. 

A boat that floats on an invisible river
hasn't been seen yet, has not caused a shiver
memories of forgotten seconds between the sheets
of sweat, sweet heat, softly drumming heartbeat,
I could not tell you in words that this is it what I need-
showing you my palms, that I wanted you to read,
giving you some time, that we were supposed to keep,
a palsied, broken paddle, is what I finally received.

Oh dearest person, rivers carry foam,
a boat floating in nothingness, quickly will be drowned,
what really is and what we want, is truly not the same,
I kept reality - safe and warm in a glass bone broken frame,
notes, quotes, bloated words will never be first vote-
anyway I chose the boat instead of a firm road.

Los muros y las paredes cuentan historia,

hablan, ahí están.

Ventanas se cierran,

puertas se decoran, 

pero las paredes ahí están, desnudas -

se ofrecen.
Mi querida Puta del mal,

hoguera fingida,

me acerco a ti -con angustia y me sostienes,

te pinto un corazón al lado de la mancha que no sé identificar.
Vé, aquí te tatuaron frases de revolución y vida,

me perturbas, tanto muro, tanta pared, tanta reja.
Somos las mentes geniales de estos tiempos,

con el peso de miles de años pasados en los hombros,

y los deseos de los niños aún no nacidos,

caminando y tropezando. 
Aún somos un charco en el desierto, 

pero me acuerdo muy bien que la gota

en el océano no se culpa por ser océano.

Y somos gotas.

Y seremos gota constante,

y la última que rebasará la copa-

será la primera que derrumbará las paredes. 

mein herz es bricht ganz langsam
zerfällt in deinen starren händen
wie trocknender sand
ich wünschte ich könnte trauern
und ertrinke in deinem schweigen
ich halte meine stirn anstatt deiner warmen hand.

die zeit sie quält mich sorgsam
reisst an jeder einzigen falte
und bringt mich schier
ich finde doch kaum worte
aber ein loch das kaum gefüllt werden kann
und du doch sollst zurück zu mir.

ich warte und darf es nicht
ich verschwinde aus deinem winkel
um meine freiheit zu taufen
du bist ein teil von mir
und muss mich hiermit amputieren
und kann trotzdem nicht von dir laufen.