thoughts on growth

(for anyone reading this, it is quite a personal reflection here - but it helps me to sort my feelings and thoughts out - in case you continue to read, I hope it brings some sort of reflection to you, too).


Lately I have felt like sitting in a merry-go-round, holding as tight as I can onto my unicorn- closing my eyes in fear that I will be catapulted off this machinery.  I see the faces of loved ones and strangers merging into one blurr of colours and velocity, but there is little to distinguish their endings and beginnings from one another. 


Yesterday I was still told how deep and eloquent my thoughts and writings are compared to those of my peers, and now I find myself struggling to compose one thread of thought, settled and solid enough to withstand the notions of time, emotion and change. To say I am terrified is an understatement. I withered away for a long time, hiding in a cave hoping to be saved and forgot all the lessons I knew from my childhood and before. Exchanged them for feelings I never allowed to enter before, but now they life rent-free and expanding. 


What are those lessons? Don't be afraid, just love, just laugh, just be. Instead I find myself looking enviously around in my circles or even at strangers. Instead of appreciating the blessings I have, I catch myself loathing the lacks, the gaps, the missing success, the failing attempts, my attitude and the one of my surroundings. 


It is difficult feeling alone even if surrounded by others. We have grown into a society, into an understanding of social bonds where everyone and everything is easily replaced. I bet people have always felt this way, and those words I said were executed similarly 100 or 200 years ago. But I wonder if lack of appreciation has increased with smartphones and social media. 


What is growth? 


The older I grow the more I started doubting myself. While I felt strong connection with the universe and the macro cosmos of our human existence I have always struggled very much with the subtleness of our microcosmos. "the benefit of the doubt", my position in the family, with friends, or even in my own life. While until recently I thought I had a strong purpose, this strong feeling continued to fade away with every day of getting closer to it. Now I am only a few months away from graduating for a Master degree I thought I needed so much, but I tremble upon the thought of being part of a large company with people who get up every day at the same time, put on their suit and make a living. I fear facing hundreds of rejection letters and feeling my self-confidence crumble with every word on it. 


I fear that I am in relationships just for the sake of avoiding total solitude, claiming their place on my side to fulfil something I wasn't able to fulfil myself. Practicing forgiveness and love is difficult, you know? I am experiencing growth as a painful process, a process I sometimes struggle to commit to. I am not sure I am mature enough to take on some responsibilities, I am supposed to. ...





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